Do you remember how we used to pick teams in elementary school, two people were chosen to be captains and they got to pick the teams. Everyone else waited anxiously hoping that they wouldn’t be picked last because that sent a yucky message that you weren’t really wanted on the team. Lucky for me I was always pretty athletic, so I was chosen quickly. It didn’t take away the anxiety while I waited! Then …. you remember there is the kid that isn’t athletic at all (maybe that was you), and nobody wants them on their team. Then there is an argument between the captains, “You take her, I took her last time!”
Some of you are experiencing a similar event right now, and you are facing divorce. Others are fearful that future may be just around the corner. Will he choose me? Does he love me enough to fight this addiction? Slip after slip has you wondering if he can really give it up. How much can I take?
All of these events feel like being hit in the chest with a sledge hammer. I know I was left with my heart was broken and I struggled to breathe. When it came right down to it I wasn’t chosen.
Talk about head spinning….confusion!!
If you have found yourself in this situation I am so sorry. We never enter marriage thinking that it will end like this. When your significant other makes the choice to step out with lust, pornography, fantasy, or infidelity it feels like they are SCREAMING, I don’t want you anymore! The betrayal is deep! It leaves us disoriented and lost. Sometimes our identity is linked to the marriage and when it is gone we are left alone trying to get to know a stranger.
One day I was describing to my counselor how much I hated when my boys were gone with their dad because I hated being alone. She said, “That makes sense, you are in your house with a stranger, that would be uncomfortable.” I’m sure she enjoyed the dirty look that I gave her. My first response was defensive. What was the suppose to mean? Deep down I knew exactly what she meant, over the years I had given away my identity, I had become a stranger to myself.
It did not happen immediately, it took time to get to know who I was again. It was painful, and sad! My husband had been horrible to me, and I had been horrible to me. My counselor encouraged me to sit with that stranger. To get to know the wonderful person that I had buried. I buried her because I thought she was worthless. I buried her because she was unimportant and insignificant. I buried here because I didn’t like her. A dear friend of mine always says, “Sometimes I want to run away, but I would have to take me with me.” That is how I felt! You can’t get away from yourself.
I had given up my hobbies and had taken on my husbands trying to connect. Certain hobbies had value and worth to him while others didn’t. I wanted to have worth, so I did what he did. I had to go back to basics: What did I love to do? What were my hobbies? They had become so enmeshed that I didn’t know which were mine and which were his. I cry when I think of all the time I gave up doing what I loved…. for him. I grieve that loss.
The lie: you won’t be chosen
I would be lying if I told you that I feel good enough. I have struggles with comparing myself to others almost daily. My ex-husband stepped out with other women, and I have deep wounds because of that. He didn’t choose me. If I am with my new husband and there is a really attractive woman in the same room my heart starts to race and I panic. My brain (the limbic center) panics and tells me that I won’t be chosen. My brain likes to say, “You are not desirable, if he could choose between her and you he would choose her every time, so why are you even trying sweetheart. You already lost.” I have to fight those lies.
18 years of watching my ex-husband check out every woman at the pool has left its mark and I have deep insecurities. Still to this day I don’t like to go to swimming pools with my new husband. It makes me emotionally and physically ill because of my past. (Trauma)
You deserve to be chosen
Yesterday was my 1 year anniversary, and just like Mother’s Day it was very triggering for me. All of my yucky beliefs about not being important and not being chosen resurfaced. It was a rough day! By the end of the day I was upset, my new husband was upset. Then quietly the new Norma re-surfaced. She reminded the little girl inside of me that even if my ex-husband didn’t choose me, and even if at some time in the future my new husband doesn’t choose me, it doesn’t mean that I am not worth choosing.
I am worth choosing!
You are worth choosing too!
No matter what your situation, no matter what mistakes you have made, or imperfections you have, You are worth being chosen. God chose you! You have gifts from heaven that no one else has. You were sent for a specific purpose and God has a divine plan for you. It all starts with you being able to choose yourself. Turn to God let him show you how.