Sometimes communicating with God is easy, and natural and it just happens.  Other times it is just the opposite and I find myself with little desire.  I drag my feet not really willing to pray or reach him.

I know that I need his help!

I know that this life was not meant to be conquered alone!  So how come sometimes I am slow to turn to him.  And even though I turn away I still know that when I need him he is right there.

So how come sometimes I am slow to turn to him.  And even though I turn away I still know that when I need him he is right there.

Reasons I disconnect from God

Unworthy of His Help:

Sometimes I shy away because I feel like I am not worthy to receive his help.  I am hurting and feeling ashamed of myself and my behavior.  I know different, I want to be different, but I struggle making changes and I make so many mistakes.   I start to doubt my resolve and my ability to be different.  I quit believing in myself and then Satan makes me believe that God has quit believing in me too. That I don’t deserve his help.

I think, ‘I’ve got this’ I won’t bother him today?

On boring days when all is well at my house sometimes I just don’t bother to pray.  I’m doing okay, the kids are doing okay, we’ve got this! I don’t need any help.   I’m sure I need more help that I realize, but I don’t ask.

I feel like he has turned his back on me and I am angry.

Other times, like during my divorce, I was so angry at God.  I went a few months without praying, I didn’t even recognize how mad I was or how disconnected I had become. It took me some time to realize that I felt like he had abandoned me.  I had faith! I had prayed for so many years that he would fix my marriage.  I knew he could do it and he didn’t.  Why wasn’t I good enough for a miracle?

I knew he could do it and he didn’t!  Why wasn’t I good enough for a miracle?

Why wasn’t I good enough for a miracle?

I feel guilty when I beg Christ to take my suffering from me.  I am sad that he had to suffer for me.

Sometimes when I am in the depths of despair, I beg God to take the pain.  In fact, this happened to me last week.  I had a huge trigger that sent me into trauma and panic.  I was not okay!   After crying for more than an hour because I hurt everywhere I begged my savior to come and take the pain from me.  As I laid on the couch wrapped in a ball, I said,”Please, please come and take this from me, and I am so sorry that I am asking you to.”  So sometimes I disconnect and I don’t ask for his help because I feel bad that Jesus had to suffer for me.  I don’t want him to hurt.

His reaching hands

No matter what the reasoning for my distance, I know that it is NOT where God wants me to be.  I know that if something is important to me it is important to him.  I know that Christ already suffered for me; for both the remission of my sins and damage done to me because of the sins of others.   God knows that I am broken.  He knows that those breaks will help me find humility so that I will ask for his help.   He pleads with all of us to fall to our knees and accept the precious gift of the atonement.

God knows that I am broken.  He knows that those breaks will help me find humility so that I will ask for his help.   He pleads with all of us to fall to our knees and accept the precious gift of the atonement.

Reconnecting

When we are ready to reconnect he is waiting.  One of the most amazing experiences of my life happened during my divorce when I was so angry at God.  I was mad at him, but I kept telling myself that being mad at God seemed a little counter-productive because I needed him.  My counselor told me that it was okay to be mad at God because he had wide shoulders and he could take it.

My counselor told me that it was okay to be mad at God because he had wide shoulders and he could take it.

I needed to get rid of the heaviness I had been carrying.  It was mid afternoon as I drove into the mountains, clouds scattered the sky.  Spring had arrived and the snow had melted at the lower elevations.  I was looking for an outcropping of rock that would be away from trails and people.  As I rounded a corner I saw what I was searching for.  I took a little dirt side road and drove to the end where there was an opening.  I parked and began my hike up a steep section of hillside that was covered in shale.  The loose dirt and rock kept sliding out from beneath my feet and I frequently had to reach down with my hands to stabilize myself.   The dirt filled my shoes as I made my way up to the rock before me.  I walked around the rock to the top where the ground was flat and I sat down on a rock to catch my breath.    I felt a little stupid as

I had carried some backs with me.  I let their contents fall to the ground as I got ready.  I felt a little stupid as I sat there, but I was determined to try something different.  Throwing the first glass was hard, I am very

The bags were filled with glass.  I had pruchesed them at a thrift store.  I had carefully picked out goblets that reminded me of my husbands partying.  I picked out glasses with hearts on the side or words and phrases that represented LOVE.  Throwing the first glass was hard, I am very particular about littering and was worried I would end up feeling guilty and picking up every last piece.  As the glass left my hand and hit the rock face about 15 feet in front of me it shattered into small

As the glass left my hand and hit the rock face about 15 feet in front of me and exploded.  I started by telling God that it was not fair.  As glass after glass left my hand the momentum and emotion became escalated. Before long I was yelling as loud as I could.  I was yelling at God, I was yelling at my husband.  The tears were streaming down my face as I poured my soul out to the universe that day.  I screamed because my husband quit trying.  I screamed because of what he had done to me.  I screamed about the strippers and the infidelity and his stupid friends.  I screamed because of the sadness my children were going to have to face because of his poor choices.  I

I screamed because my husband quit trying.  I screamed because of what he had done to me.  I screamed about the strippers and the infidelity and his stupid friends.  I screamed because of the sadness my children were going to have to face because of his poor choices.  I

I didn’t stop there, then I screamed at God. He was supposed to fix it.  I screamed because I didn’t get my happily ever after.  I yelled because I was good and I had done things right.  I didn’t deserve what had happened to me.   I screamed because he didn’t give me my miracle.

I’m not sure how long it lasted, but when the glass was gone I sat back down on the hillside and wept.  I stayed for quite some time until I started to shiver because the cold mountain air.  I was exhausted! I slowly made my way down the hillside.  That day I didn;t pick up and

I slowly made my way down the hillside.  That day I didn’t pick up any pieces of glass.  I left my shattered broken heart on the hillside that day.  I left my broken marriage, and I also left pain and suffering there.  For the first time in

For the first time in months, I felt connected with God like I never have.  I felt his sorrow for me.  I felt his sadness that my husband didn’t choose differently.  He was sad for me, and for my children, and for my husband.  In that moment, I knew that he knew me.  I felt the spirit tell me that he was so proud of me.  Proud of me for trying, and proud of me for handing all of the poison that was inside of me over so that he could take care of it.

I know that I God lives.  I know that he loves us more than we could ever imagine.  I know that in our darkest hour he will take all of our pain and suffering.  We just have to hand it over and ask.

Sending Love,

Norma

Photo Credit: Jennifer. (2007, August 7). Shale.