“Why can’t I do this right?”
“What is it that you want from me?”
“I try, I really try, will you accept my offering?”
Lately, I have been plagued with feelings that I am not doing this right. Wondering if what I have to offer is what God is looking for. Each day he gently reminds me that my job is to keep writing, so I write.
I wonder if sharing my darkness and trauma is what he wants from me, or should I just share the moments of light and hope? He gently reminds me to just keep writing.
I share because I don’t want you to be alone. For so many years I suffered in silence and now I choose to speak. Sharing is not always easy. I can’t tell you how many times I hold my breath and hit PUBLISH…wondering if the world will think I am crazy. God gently reminds me to just keep writing.
I share my darkness because I know many of you have seen that same darkness. You can relate to pain that takes you out at your knees, and crawling up in a ball pleading for the pain to stop. You know what it is like to feel desperate, alone, and to be grasping for hope that you can’t see.
I can’t even begin to tell you how honored I feel when you beautiful, amazing women reach to me in those desperate moments. I cry with so many of you, and the moment you let me see you, I have an overwhelming feeling of love for you.
So today I wanted to share a beautiful and yucky moment from yesterday. I have been asking God to show me what I can do for him. Some moments feeling alone and abandoned and other moments seeing miracles. Two days ago he reminded me that I am one woman with one story, and he asked me what my goal was. I realized that my goal, was not what I thought it was. My initial goal was to listen to his prompting and write the blog, then somewhere that goal got twisted and It became about me. (Sorry, I want to puke right now because I am admitting this and it is so shameful) It didn’t come out of pride, it came out of feeling inadequate and trying to prove to myself that I was enough, that I did have something to offer. I didn’t feel like my offering was enough to him. I was desperate to figure it out and I lost sight of him. In one beautiful moment….he told me that my offering was enough. That no matter how big or small my offering was today it was enough.
I will have days when I am suffering and I will isolate and I won’t share, and I will have days when I can share it all. No matter what kind of day it is…my offering is exactly what he was looking for.
Then God showed me that this goal that I have is nothing about me. It is about you. What I really want in the deepest part of my soul is to connect women with other women that can help them. Realizing that I am not, nor should I be the only source of healing. I want you to heal! I don’t want you to suffer. So, women….can you help me? Can you help me find others that are hurting? Can you help me find the resources and people that will help them? Can you be a part of something so much bigger than me and this blog? If you are willing to help please follow this link and fill out the survey. No matter how big or small your offering, it is exactly what I am looking for.
I am reminded of the poor widow’s offering:
For all these have of their abundance cast in unto the offerings of God: but she of her penury hath cast in all the living that she had. ~ Luke 21:4
Plus, I have to share this video. It made me cry this morning…I love it, and it fits this post perfectly….one of those small graces from God. We are the light of the world.