Yesterday I saw a picture on facebook of my ex-husband and his new wife. They were smiling and looked really happy. The post read something like this: “Two years ago I met you and it was such a blessing.”
The Ping of Pain
I felt a ping in my heart and anger well up from my stomach and move into my throat. Two years ago when they first met I was facing HELL. My husband of 18 years had left me 6 weeks prior to their meeting and I was devastated. I was moving in and out of the different stages of grief. When they met I was still crying myself to sleep at night. I was still rolling over in the middle of the night hoping to hear him breathing. I missed his presence and his smell. I was mourning the loss of the life I had dreamed for myself and my kids. The life that was gone that we would never have.
Confusion and Thoughts
My pain and anger was confusing. Why was this picture painful for me?
I wanted to analyse my thoughts even though they were scattered. I needed to try to understand why this was hurting me almost 2 years later. These thoughts passed through my head:
These thoughts passed through my head:
Am I in pain because…… I want him back? ………..because she took my place?…….because it seems like he is making her happy and all he ever caused me was pain? ……….because he is being loyal to her and he cheated on me? ………..because my life still has trials and hardships and it seems like he moved on to joy? …….. because he could never see me, it was like I never existed? ……… I am sad because that picture represents his betrayal and my loss?
Pain…Pain….Pain…and Confusion!! I was hurting and I wanted to understand. So I wrote the list above on a peice of paper. I went through each individually to see if there was truth in the statement. After doing this I saw that only ywo of the statements rang true to me.
Analysing my thoughts to find truth
I analyzed each reason trying to find truth. I was able to step through each possibility.
- because he could never see me, it was like I never existed? This one is true, and it does cause me pain. We all want to be heard, seen, and valued. He was not able to provide that for me. There is truth in this thought and it brings me pain at times.
- I am sad because that picture represents his betrayal and my loss. This one was spot on. That picture represents that he was not faithful to me. It represents my family being torn apart. It represents that I no longer get to see my kids everyday. That sometimes they go to his house and I can’t protect them or help them. This was the main reason I felt pain.
Why does it still hurt? It hurts because I was all in. His level of dedication didn’t match mine. I had hopes and dreams for me and for my boys and his choices took those dreams away from me. I don’t know if that pain ever goes away. So today I accept the pain. I am very compassionate with myself when I feel that pain. It is normal to feel pain when we were all in and someone else isn’t. There is no shame in saying this hurts me because I loved you! Choosing to love has NEVER been weakness, it has always been courage.
If you too are among the many that loved, that were left, and continued to see the good in that person and care for them. You are amazing! You are Christ like! You are my people and I call your FRIEND!
(**To read how I reasoned through the other thoughts- see below)
Assignment for Healing: When you feel a ping of pain and suffering and think, “This is dumb, I just need to GET OVER IT.” I encourage you to slow your thinking and to feel your pain. It hurts but I have to admit that after doing this I felt a little more peace and a little more freedom from the dark story in my past.
Proving Thoughts Wrong
- I want him back? Nope, I don’t want him back. He was cruel to me. Like I mentioned above when I was at home crying myself to sleep I would show up the next day to take the boys to his house to find hickeys all over his chest and neck. He intentionally left his shirt off so I could see each one. He would come to my house again to bring the boys and he woul tell me how she was so much better than me and how lucky he was that he didnt have to be married to me anymore. The answer was definitly NO
- because she took my place? Sometimes Satan makes this one look really good. He tries to make me believe this one. It is strange to see pictures of my kids with their stepmom and my ex-husband and think…….WAIT, that is my family!! To see her face staring back and not mine gives the appearance that she took my place. What I know to be true is that she can never take my place becasue she is not me. She is a good person and I’m sure she has good qualities (all of us do), but she is not Norma. I am irreplaceable.
- because it seems like he is making her happy and all he ever caused me was pain?
I’m sure that my exhusband learned things from our divorce, and I have no doubt that he is a better husband to her than he was to me. Why? Well, that is one of the questions that I may never have answered. Plus we all know the story told on facebook is not the entire story. It is only the happy highlights.
- because he is being loyal to her and he cheated on me? I don’t know if this is true. I know that he has not gotten enough help for his addiction and I know that addict can’t change on their own. I hope he won’t cheat on her, but unless he gets help it may just be a matter of time.
- because my life still has trials and hardships and it seems like he moved on to joy?
This is another lie that Satan wants us to believe. Everyone has hardships I am sure they have them too.