“I claim no right to myself, no right to this understanding, this will, these affections that are in me…… I have given myself clear away (to God) and not retained anything of my own.” ~Jonathan Edwards
Over and over again I find this quote to be true. If I really want to be a servant of God and I want him to guide my path I have to submit myself over to his will. Honestly, so many times he guides me to things that I am afraid of. Writing this blog was one of those things, the Butterfly Effect is another.
The idea came to me months ago. I have to laugh at myself a little because there is a pattern here. Let me explain. God asked me to start the Blog in October of last year. I was so afraid of it that I waited and tried to ignore the nudging feeling for 5 months. In March the feelings were so strong that I fearfully, took a great big breath, held it, closed my eyes and jumped. I don’t remember exactly when the idea came for sending boxes to women who were suffering, but I know it was close to three months ago.
I guess maybe I should smile at heaven and say with a grin….my lag time improved by 2 months.
So……What is it that keeps me from jumping right in? Fear!
Conversations with God
During my three month lag time, I found others who had a similar idea. I tried to back away…”Look Heavenly Father, it is already taken care of.”
He wasn’t going to let me off the hook so easy. I have had dreams about what I should put in the boxes. After the ideas came….. I spent time trying to figure out how to hand-make some of the items. It has been a process and a scary one for me.
A friend of mine said….. “Wow! When a few people come up with the same idea around the same time….that Is God speaking his will.”
Pushing into discomfort
I have a trauma about feeling like I have nothing to offer. It is a deep yucky one for me that I just put words to this past summer. I think it started with my ex-husband. Most everything I had to offer him he cast aside with scorn. Gifts that I bought him would be met by criticism and complaints, Some gifts were returned, other times I was shamed for the “lame idea” and scorned for wasting money, and the gift would set there as a reminder that I had nothing to give. This left me anxious to this day about giving gifts.
So if I have nothing to offer….what is Heavenly Father asking me to do?
Want to Cry and Feeling Sick
So, the idea is ready, and this morning all I want to do is cry. I feel a little sick to my stomach because I am putting my idea of “giving” to other women out into the world. I am uncomfortable, and afraid that I will be scorned…….either for having a bad idea or of trying to steal someone else’s. I am so uncomfortable and worried, but it was time. So what did I do? I took a big breath. held it, closed my eyes, and I jumped.
I am uncomfortable and afraid, and it is too late, so I guess I will see what happens.
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Thanks for your support!