Taking a Toll Before Christmas

How is it possible to wake up first thing in the morning and feel completely drained?  That was me this morning.  I am anxious and just my normal day to day tasks seem to be so overwhelming.  Returning an item to a store, taking Christmas gifts to the school for the teachers, making lunch….I’m just tired.  More than usual.  Do you feel worn out?

What is going on?

On days like today I ask myself….What is going on?  Aha….I’m remembering, The last post that I wrote was yucky.  Thinking back and remembering that horrible Christmas made me so tired.  Trauma has a way of doing that to us.  I decided to send it in for publishing, and the response I got from the editor was that they cried.  I cried too!  It is hard for me to understand how I ended up there, and why I felt like it was what I deserved.  Super sad!  I wonder if any of you feel the same way when it comes to trauma and Christmas.  Then last night I processed more trauma with EMDR.  Now it is making sense.  I found out last night that when we are processing things out loud, we process at about 24-27 words per minute.  When we are processing with EMDR, we are doing more that 600 words.  No wonder I am tired…I ran an emotional marathon yesterday.

Then last night I processed more trauma with EMDR.  I came to a recognition that men make me feel trapped and afraid.  (I will tell you more about this later, after I have time to process it more, it’s too fresh right now) Now it is making sense.  I found out last night that when we are processing things out loud, we process at about 24-27 words per minute.  When we are processing with EMDR, we are doing more that 600 words.  No wonder I am tired…I ran an emotional marathon yesterday.

Now it is making sense.

I found out last night that when we are processing things out loud, we process at about 24-27 words per minute.  When we are processing with EMDR, we are doing more that 600 words.  No wonder I am tired…I ran an emotional marathon yesterday.

Nervous

I have to admit leading up the holiday I am anxious.  So many years of wondering if I would be remembered or not makes this time of year a trigger.  We are going out of town for a couple of days so I am hoping that helps take my mind off of the fact that Christmas is quickly approaching.  Plus this is our first year together on Christmas morning as a blended family.  That always adds to the interesting factor.  Will our traditions clash?  What does Sants do for his kids vs what does he do for mine?   Will they align, and if they don’t how do I explain why Santa has changed?  This year brings new challenges to the holiday and I am just praying that things go smoothly.

Merry Christmas

In case I don’t get a chance to write between now and Christmas I wanted to take a moment to thank you for reading.  Thank you for existing with me in my darkness at times, and for being a part of things when I find light.  Thanks for coming back.

I hope you have a beautiful Christmas.  I hope you will find triggers if you need to find them, that you will avoid them if you need a break, overall I hope that you all find peace and love and hope. Remember Christ, for it is only through him that we will find the real peace that we desire.

I’m sure I will have more to share next week.  Have a Wonderful Christmas!

 

 

 

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