What? You want me to trust? Wow! Hmmmm! This is a tough one for me. I can think of about two people in this whole world that I would trust anything with. TWO!
When I found this picture…it really spoke to me. I get anxious looking at it. I guess that is what happens when the person that was suppose to pull you up let go. (Deep Breath)
To say I have trust issues is a bit of an understatement. Even the thought of trusting someone makes me feel anxious. The people that I was supposed to trust, the people who had made commitments to me, to cherish me and love me, they betrayed me.
I want to trust, I want to believe that people do not intentionally hurt others, I want to believe that I could trust someone, but people who are hurting can do horrible things at times. I have had enough yuck, and truth be told, I don’t want to go through that again. It is too painful!
Step 3 is all about putting my trust in God, but this is not easy for me. I used to trust him, I would pray every night that he would let me know if my husband was unfaithful. He didn’t! I prayed that he would save my family, He didn’t! I have pages and pages of unanswered prayers. Prayers that seemed to fall on deaf ears. I believed, I had faith, I knew that God could perform the miracle that I so desperately wanted and then he didn’t.
I could see miracles around me. In fact, all of the other women who went through the addiction program with me, all of them are still married. Their husbands tried, their husbands wanted to change, and mine didn’t. Everyone wants to hear the story about the couple that made it, but it seems that no one really wants to hear mine. Isn’t my story worth telling? They want success stories and mine…I guess was a failure.
Yet, I am supposed to trust. Hmmm! I don’t know about this trust thing.
I have notes back to when I did the 12 step program in 2012. There is a part in the manual that says, “we kept giving the Lord our trust and then took it back.” My notes say…I do this over and over again. I guess I struggled with it back then too. I sit here and I cry. Why do I continue to put my faith in God, just to wait patiently with empty hands? Does he not see me? Does he not hear me? Why did he perform miracles for so many and it feels like he turned his back on me? Is my miracle yet to come? Do I need more faith? More obedience? What more do I need to give?
I know scriptures would tell me that I need to Trust God in all things. That no matter how challenging the circumstance I need to turn my life over to him and believe. But tonight as I write I am struggling. I wish it was that easy. I am overwhelmed, I have fear despair, and confusion. This is obviously the perfect step for me at this moment.
So I come to the fork in the road….again, and I ask myself what am I going to do? Well, it seems like there is only one option. I need to believe that he does know my name. I need to believe that he is creating the perfect plan for me and that for now I just have to sit back and wait while he puts all the details together. Oh, How I hope that is the case. I hope that I am not setting myself up for more heartache and more disappointment. I do believe that God knows what I do not know and that God sees what I can not see.
Now comes the How? How am I going to trust? What am I going to do this next week to help build my faith and trust in God?
Well, Hemingway said it best when he said,
“The best way to find out if you can trust somebody is to trust them.”
It is scary, but there is no alternative if we want to have positive relationships.
Step 1: Choose to trust- Today I will make a conscious choice to trust God. To trust that he has a plan for Norma Zaugg that is amazing, beautiful, and happy.
Step 2: Be realistic with my expectations- The truth is I have been through a lot. If I am expecting for the past to wash itself away and to wake up tomorrow without any triggers it is not going to happen. It will take time to heal my wounds, and I need to be patient with myself and God.
Step 3: Forgive- As I continue to heal God very gently allows me to see what my part was in my past relationships. He shows me what I did wrong. I think forgiving myself for things I did know know or understand is hard. I need to forgive myself and allow forgiveness from God. I know what the atonement can do, but sometimes I forget that Christ died for me too. That he does forgive me and he will save me too.
Step 4: Be vulnerable with God- I need to let God know what I need. I need to ask him to help me with my day to day struggles. I need to share my heart, my pain, and my gratitude with him.
Step 5: Be Strong and keep working- God does not tell us that he will take care of everything without our effort. I need to do all that I can do. That includes seeking help and assistance from friends, family, and professionals if I need it. It requires me to be humble and to seek out what I need. All of those people can not take the place of God, but they can teach us new ways of doing things that will change our day to day relationships and experiences.
So, my journey begins, I will let you know how it goes.