I was standing in my in-laws kitchen when it all came into the light. She told me that she thought he was losing it, she smiled, “He has been sending me crazy messages about you.” She stood over the kitchen sink preparing dinner and I froze. She continued….. “grab my phone over there, you’ll see.”
In that moment time slowed down. The air around me grew thick and my thoughts were jumbled. I was tongue-tied. I knew exactly what she was talking about. He wouldn’t, I thought to myself. I felt the weight on my chest…. air, I needed air.
I managed to turn around and saw her iphone sitting in the middle of the kitchen table. I grabbed it reluctantly and went into text messages.
“Norma is not the good girl that you think she is, she got naked with one of my friends and has done way worse.” No! I wanted to burst into tears, but held them back. I added one more betrayal to his long list. Never before in my life had I felt so exposed. I wanted to die.
I turned back around and looked at her, she said, “see what I mean.” I looked out the sliding glass door to see his brothers, our sister-in-laws and all their children laughing and talking. My brain was flooded with messages, fear gripped my heart and was waiting to squeeze. My body was fighting to remain cool, but my insides were pixilated.
Had he told them too, I wondered?
In that moment I wanted to lie, I wanted to laugh and say wow, that is crazy, but I couldn’t because part of what he wrote was truth. Using an immense amount of energy I told her that I would come back another time so that I could tell her the real story. Her smile disappeared and a look of confusion came over her face.
I told her that I needed to leave and I walked towards the front door. It was time to run.
The anxious energy coursed through my veins as I made my way around the grove. My secret was out, and I had no idea who knew. What would they think about me. I was so bad.
I did show up at my in-laws about a week later and I told them everything. I told them that it had started innocently. That my husband’s friend was giving me advice on how to better connect with their son. It was working, and after years of being ignored and neglected I loved the new attention and I wanted more.
His friend started to give me weird ideas. At first, it was easy to say; “no way” I would never do that. As the weeks passed and the advice continued to work I started to get a little more daring. I wanted results.
The night started innocently, my husband’s friend was in town and came to get me. On this night I pushed the envelope and agreed to one of the ideas that I would ‘never do’.
I had agreed to let this man see me naked. He had agreed to let me see him naked. We decided that we should do it separately so that we were not undressed at the same time. There was no touching and despite what you may think my intent was never to have sex with him. I just wanted my husband to love me.
I decided it was time they knew the entire truth, so I told them about their son’s infidelity. I told them about the pain I had been silently suffering for years because of his disconnection. When I was done there were tears in his mothers eyes. I could tell that she was sorry for my pain. It was his dad that spoke first, “Why should we believe you?” he asked. I said, “ You don’t have to.” I thanked them and I got up and left.
When my husband could not longer control me he decided to make it his mission to control what other people thought of me. So many lies were told, and stories were twisted. I had to learn to let it be, people would believe whatever they wanted to believe.
The weeks and months that followed I felt more exposed than I ever had in my entire life. I felt like if I moved wrong I would explode from the inside out.
Earlier this year I started a blog, I was tired of living in silent fear and I want other women who are suffering to know that they are not alone. The same sin resurfaced and my husband’s sister plastered it all over my Facebook wall. If my husband had missed anyone, they knew now. Of course, she didn’t tell everyone the details, only the incriminating part.
She threatened me that if I didn’t quit writing she would find a way to take me down. I was not going down!
Without knowing it this betrayal was his best yet. I’m sure he had no idea that he would open the floodgates for me to share all of the SECRETS. I no longer need to hide or live in shame for what I have done. I no longer need to remain quiet!
I am free to tell about his sex addiction, the abuse, neglect, and betrayal. I no longer have to hide his infidelity, and his trips to Vegas to be with strippers and prostitutes.
I had been married to a sex addict for 19 years. It had warped my thinking about sexuality, the world, and myself. This betrayal set me on a new course that allowed me to say “NO” to unhealthy behaviors and learn a new way of living.
I will forever thank him for the betrayal that finally set me free.