Today started off like any other day. Waking up, getting ready, praying about what I should write about. I actually wrote an entire article, but I didn’t feel great about it so I sent it to drafts to decide what should be done with it later. I went to lunch today with some family members to celebrate my birthday, tomorrow I turn the big 40. On my way home something happened. At first, I wasn’t sure what it was, but I noticed my internal dialogue becoming really negative and I slowly slipped into a fog. As I write this I am going back over the last hour, replaying it in my head to determine what the trigger was. And I think I found it, right before I started driving home I saw a picture of myself and in that picture I look fat. I don’t like the way I look, I don’t like the size that I am right now and I started comparing myself to others. I don’t feel like I measure up. Comparison is one of the tools that the devil uses on me often. He knows if he can’t get me down in another area that he can just wait for my old patterns of comparing to return and he will catch me there.
I returned home and my family tried to engage me, but I started ‘seeking invisibility’. I said hello, and headed to my room. I had been there for 15 minutes when I heard one of my stepdaughters say, “Is Norma back yet?” I was trying to be invisible and I had succeeded. I had walked through the room twice and she hadn’t seen me. My husband immediatly noticed a shift and asked me what was up. I told him I just needed to disappear for awhile, and I walked off.
I was invited to join my family outside, and I declined. I realize that they are not keeping me from them, today I am keeping me from them. I feel yucky, unimportant, and toxic and I don’t want to give that to any of them, so I withdraw.
I wish I could say after 3 years of counseling that all of my raw spots were healed and that I no longer had battles to fight, but some days just like today something happens and I realize that I am still lost and still broken. The fog settles and I can’t even find myself. Sometimes I am sad and lonely and I wish I could just come out of my daze and be happy. It takes awhile for the fog to lift. Sometimes it takes hours and occasionally days. I used to think that I had no power and just had to stay stuck, but that is a lie. I can do something about it so that the fog lifts more quickly. So today I am choosing to use a tool I learned in couseling to try and get myself out of this yucky, toxic rut. (I will add a tool for this in my healing tools shortly.)
Assignment for Healing: Do you ever ‘seek invisibility’? If so what are the triggers that send you to that dark place where you want to hide? Next time you find yourself wanting to hide from the world try to fill out the ‘seeking invisibility’ worksheet.