There were so many days and so many nights when I held on for dear life. It seemed that if I breathed wrong everything that I ever loved and ever wanted would slip through my fingers and I would be lost. Lost without a purpose with no hope of finding home.
So many dark days when I wandered aimlessly looking for something to save me, something or someone that could make my pain stop. I would throw myself into novels that took me far away to a different world, anything to escape the pain that was my existence. If the novel lost it’s ability to transport me I would numb with television…hours and hours (under my stairs in the dark) watching episode after episode of “Lost” or “La Femme Nakita” again anything to escape. I was alone, I knew it, and I didn’t know what to do with it. All I knew was that I was tired of hurting.
When being in my home with a man who would get angry at me and not speak to me for days….sometimes weeks… and the silence would start to eat away at my soul I would escape to a store. Finding a hidden treasure on a clearance rack could make me feel a little better.
When that wouldn’t work, FOOD, that would do the job, and still to this day it is my ‘Go To’ when I am hurting.
Slipping through my fingers
Life continued for 19 years to take me to dark places, hidden in the shadows of shame, doubt, and feelings of worthlessness. I was inadequate, I was nothing! No matter how tight I grasped my life it still slipped through my fingers…. then one day (after a lot of counseling) I got enough courage to let go. My worries that everything would slip through my hands and be gone. Those worries never came to pass.
Then one day (after a lot of counseling) I got enough courage to let go. I reached up high….scared to death and I handed everything that was in my hands over to God. My worries that everything would slip through my hands and be gone……. never came to pass. FEAR, had held me paralyzed, and as God held my hand in his, he let the yucky parts slip through my hand and land in his. The harmful things that were keeping me from being closer to him, he took away from me.
Something miraculous happened, He had emptied my hands of the toxic junk that I had held for dear life…thinking that I needed it. He removed my ex-husband and my feelings of inadequacy and loss and he filled me up. He added amazing people who would help me along this journey. He put a tablespoon of courage, and a cup of hope, and he showed me my gifts. He showed me that I was worth being loved and cared for, and he showed me how to love and care for others, even those that had done so much harm for so many years.
I learned the truth of this quote:
When you are reduced to nothing but soul, you radiate an extrordinary power.
When you experience searing loss and your heart continues beating, there is strength in that.
When pain whispers the hurtful lies and giving up and succumbing sounds like the best plan,
find that strength, find that hope that is greater and that love that is deeper than any amount of pain,
then cling to it, AND DON’T YOU DARE LET GO.
~SCRIBBLES AND CRUMBS
Now that my hands are filled with hope, and love that is deeper than any amount of pain, now I choose to hold on tight. I know many of you know what searing loss is, you have felt more pain and suffering than you ever thought existed, and each day you stand. Please know that you do radiate an extraordinary power. Keep trying, keep moving, get the help that you need to release the toxic things that keep you back, and embrace all the mew wonderful things that God has in store for you.