I have always been a go-getter. I had a plan for my life and I was determined to do it and do it well, but over and over again in my life God disagreed. He has a different plan for me and most of the time I don’t like his plan. I resist and make it difficult for him.
I am finally starting to see that my life is not mine. My life is God’s. I have no idea what he is trying to mold me into, or how difficult I have been for him to form and create. I’m sure it has not been easy as I have so many ideas of my own. Don’t get me wrong, I am obedient, and eventually I follow, but I have to admit sometimes it takes him pushing me a little. I feel his promptings often, telling me which direction he wants me to go, but I don’t always follow.
Do I Have To Listen?
This weekend one of my kids asked me a great question. We were talking about how God can talk to us and answer our prayers. He said, “Do I have to listen to him?” It was a huge ‘aha’ moment for me. I replied, “No, you don’t.” In that moment I was reminded of the many times I chose not to listen. Of the many times when the outcome was not desirable because I chose to do it my way. Then I tried to explain to him that he doesn’t have to listen, but that during my life when I chose not to listen I regretted it.
Many times I have been angry at God because of what he was asking me to do. Angry because it didn’t follow my path. Angry because I wanted something different. Angry because I thought he wasn’t really hearing me or answering my prayers. I have been angry that I had to go through divorce. Angry that my little boys have to suffer. Angry that he pushes me beyond what I feel I am capable of doing, and he asks me to do it anyways.
……BUT when my little boy asked that question I froze. I realized I have always had a choice, and when I didn’t listen I regretted the outcome. What if all of my anger was misplaced because I really am better off than I would be otherwise….even though following God’s plan is hard?
Following God’s plan can be uncomfortable
I realized that most of the time I am angry….. it is because he is asking me to do something I am uncomfortable with. He is asking me to face my shame about titles like ‘divorced woman’ and ‘broken family’. He is asking me to walk into the unknown. He is stretching me and molding me and changing me into something different. Something better, something more beautiful, and I am afraid and scared.
What if he tries to mold me and I am still broken and ugly? What if I change for him and things still don’t go right. What if he tries to mold me and I am not capable of becoming what he wants me to be. What if I fail? What if I am so broken I can’t be put back together?
You want me to do what?
When I got remarried and moved I was planning on getting a part-time job working. I continued working for my last employer a little bit from home, but I was planning on working more. Up until now I have been a career woman. I always worked at least part-time, I have a Master’s Degree in Education and I am good at it. I got here, got settled and started looking. A sick feeling came over me and I felt like he didn’t want me to work right now. What?
For the past year God has been asking me to be a homemaker. Can I tell you that I am a horrible homemaker. Can I tell you that I fail at it everyday. That I hate laundry and dishes and the monotony of everyday chores like cooking. I feel shame when I walk into the perfect homes of friends and neighbors, because I have a cluttery home. I used to blame it on the fact that I worked, but now I have nothing to blame it on. Yet, for whatever reason this is what God is asking me to do. I get on the internet and I look for jobs, just to feel the same feeling I had a year ago. He does not want me to have a job right now. Part of me is mad…..I feel successful and useful when I am working. At home I kind of feel like a wreck. It is my weakness and I feel yucky and empty. Over and over again I get the same answer that this is what he wants me to do for now.
I’ve been burned enough
SO today and for as long as he asks me I will TRY to be a homemaker. I will struggle with the piles of unfolded laundry, and the sink full of dishes and the planning of dinner. I will do it because I have been burned enough, and although I don’t really love what he is asking me to do I know that when I don’t listen the outcome is always worse. I am choosing to let him mold me, and guide me.
So to answer my wonderful son, “No, you do not have to do what he asks, but I choose to.” I will push into uncomfortable and be what God is asking me to be. Will you?