We all know that when we have a vehicle we have to perform maintenance checks in order to keep it running smoothly.  We have to check the oil, change the air filters and buy new tires when they start to go bald.  I have discovered that just like the checks we have to do on our car to keep it running at peak performance; we also have to do inspections on ourselves.

Now we all know that a car will keep running for quite some time without being checked.  I have driven on balding tires, I have been overdue for oil and late for filter changed and I can still drive around without feeling much impact.  What I neglect to see is that under the hood I risk the possibility of having permanent damage to my engine.  The damage may be silent at first, but eventually, it will take its toll on the parts and the car won’t run as long.

I too can go on for quite some time without self-inspections.  I can keep moving forward at my job, I can keep the house in decent order, but the damage is being done under the hood.  Following the occurrence of this past weekend with the cyber bullying, and new stuff that has come up since I found myself really annoyed and irritated.  I felt like I was being manipulated in any way possible to stop writing this blog.  At moments like these, I realize that my engine is weak.  These are the moments when I say and do the wrong things.  I thought of a million different things that I could write and realized that not one of those topics would be for the right reason.  I promised myself when I started writing this blog that I would do a self-check and make sure that my motivation for writing was not to shame, blame, or criticism.

Today I realized that I was feeling angry and I knew I needed maintenance.  I could think of blaming topics, I could think of shaming topics, the little devil on one shoulder telling me that I didn’t deserve what happened and I had every right to retaliate.  With the little angel on the other shoulder reminding me that that is not who I am and I am not going to do that.  I realize that shame, blame, and criticism don’t help anyone.

So today I decided the most beneficial thing I could write about would be my own self-evaluation.  What do I do to make sure I am writing from a good place as a clear voice?

Here is my step by step processing that happened this morning.

I got up and I prayed that God would help me not be so angry.  I read my scriptures knowing that they would help me be in the right place.  I asked myself the following questions:

  1. Norma, are you in pain?  The answer is yes, I am still very hurt by what happened.  (Pain for me is just a warning signal that something is wrong.  Kind of like the check oil light.)
  2. Has anyone tried to put a mask on you that was not yours?  Yes, I have been told I am negative and that people haven’t seen this ugly side of me before.  I have been told I need to forgive and move on from my past.  That if I just quit writing this blog they will accept me again.
  3. Did you accept the mask?  Did you let what others thought influence you at all?  Yes, I have been re-reading the blog.  I have been going back to read old posts to see if there was anything negative.  To double check myself and make sure I was in the right place.
  4. Are you in the drama triangle?  Yes, I think I am in the victim role a little bit.  (The attack did make me a victim, but I am choosing to stay there and feel sorry for myself)  YUCK! YUCK! YUCK!  I hate to admit that. 
  5. Is any of your anger or resentment coming out sideways at your kids or husband? (I don’t think so)
  6. What do you need to do to take care of yourself?  How should you go about removing the faulty mask so that you can be up and running at full speed?  I need to go do a drama triangle worksheet.  I need to work through the untruths and free myself from the worry of what others think of me.  {Check the healing tools for more information on the drama triangle and a worksheet to help you work through it}

I own where I am at and hope to be back up and running at full speed soon.

Sending Love,

Norma

 

Assignment for Healing: Look up the Drama Triangle online.  Learning more about the triangle has helped me be a better communicator.

Look at the worksheet offered in healing tools.

 

 

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