$200 Was More Important Than My Safety

I was driving about 40 mph down the freeway.  The visibility was low, the wind was angry and gusts hit the side of my little Topaz.  I was nervous I had both my hands steady on the wheel and had slowed down to match the conditions.  The roads were slick in areas and clear in others, drifting snow snuck up onto the freeway, as if it was reaching…it’s finger tips touching the white line.   There were moments where I could see 100 feet in front of me, and a gust would come and I could only see about 10.…

Creation of an Addict

How do you turn a newborn baby so innocent and perfect with infinite promise and hope for the future into twenty-eight-year-old abusive sex addict?  or a thirty-year-old-homeless-drunk?  or a forty-year-old woman who is so fearful of betrayal and abandonment that she struggles with attachment? You add Trauma! I remember when I was gently prompted by God, My Higher Power,  to go and see an EMDR therapist.   I had heard of trauma, mainly as a medical term used to discuss a severe blow to the head, or an deep abrasion.  When someone mentioned a trauma survivor I might think of someone…

Step 3: Trust

What?  You want me to trust?  Wow!  Hmmmm!  This is a tough one for me.  I can think of about two people in this whole world that I would trust anything with.  TWO! When I found this picture…it really spoke to me.  I get anxious looking at it.  I guess that is what happens when the person that was suppose to pull you up let go.  (Deep Breath) To say I have trust issues is a bit of an understatement.  Even the thought of trusting someone makes me feel anxious.  The people that I was supposed to trust, the people…

Accepting Love

I walked through the halls, girls smiling from ear to ear, arms filled with chocolates, roses, and balloons.  They reached out and hugged the boys who had remembered them on Valentine’s.  Each year I secretly hoped that someone might admire me, and each year I was left empty handed. I think this was the beginning of my feeling of having to be something special to be admired, and I saw myself as quite plain. Flip forward to college, I walked into my room after being in classes all morning.  I smile, and get a giddy feeling, he remembered me.  A…

A Journey of a Thousand Miles One Courageous Step at a Time

We’ve all heard the famous quote by Lao Tzu A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step. I would like to add my own take to this famous quote. A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step and will change your life forever, it takes tremendous courage because once you start there is no going back. My journey of a thousand miles began on January 3, 2013.  On that day I took a big step and walked into a counseling office in search of myself.  I was lost and alone.  I didn’t know who…

Am I Beautiful?

Most of my life I have been on a quest to answer a question, AM I BEAUTIFUL? As a little girl, in about 5th grade I started to see other girls for the first time as my competition.  I quickly started to see the world in a different light.  Instead of being the carefree child I once was who didn’t care if my hair was brushed I started to wonder if boys could like me.  I paid close attention and noticed that they liked some of the girls a lot and others they didn’t seem to even notice.  What was…

Where Is Hope?

I was excited for last week.   I have been really struggling with HOPE, and when I started…I kept thinking.  I’ve got this.  I’m going to spend all week researching conference articles, TED Talks, and uplifting stories, and I will find Hope.  Then I looked up today and recognized that last week passed me by.  Last week I did not find one article on hope….I was feeling such despair and I have been in struggle. I am going to give myself a little break and a bunch of self-compassion because last week was busy.  My children got out of school early…

Step 2: HOPE

In step one I recognized that my trauma makes life unmanageable.  My thoughts and my behavior negatively impact my spiritual, physical, and emotional health.  In step 2 we come to believe that God has the power to heal and restore us. There is only one problem, I believe without any doubt that God has the power to restore all of us, and I believe that he loves you and he will heal you. Now for the yucky, HONEST, moment…..  (pause) I don’t always believe that God will heal me or restore me.  Somewhere deep down I believe that if God…

How to Become Honest with Ourselves

Okay, let’s just admit it, getting honest with ourselves is painful.   I look back to when I was married (round 1) and I hate to admit, but I blamed a lot.  I blamed him for my unhappiness. “Blame is the discharging of discomfort and pain”. ~Brene Brown I really believed that if he would quit looking at other women, that if he would just love me, I would be gloriously happy.  The shocking part happened when my ex-husband was no longer around for me to blame and I had to take an honest look at myself.  To this day…

Step 1: Honesty

Honesty…. Honesty…. Honesty, it is something that we expect from ourselves and from others, but talk about painful.  It can be yucky to take a look at ourselves and our behaviors and the character flaws that keep us from becoming the person we want to be.   This year I decided that I really needed to take some time going back over the 12 steps.  I have been through all of the steps, but I feel a little stuck with my trauma and decided to focus on it this time as I work the steps. Step one Step one is all…