I was happy to see him pull up to the house.  He had moved out a little over 2 weeks ago.  After 17 years of marriage, I missed him terribly.  I was nervous, I didn’t know what to expect, so unsure of myself anymore and where I stood with him.  My breathing was shallow…. I was afraid of making the wrong move….as if it could get worst.  He told me that he wanted to move back in, relief flooded into my empty heart, I took a deep breath and smiles.  Maybe everything would be okay.

Relief flooded into my empty heart, when I heard him say that he wanted to move back in.  He said, ” We need to do something to make this work. I miss you Norma, I love you.  I think we need to start dating again.:  I took a deep breath and smiled.  Maybe everything would be okay.

Maybe everything would be okay!

Daddy’s Coming Back

I was so excited and I knew my little boys would be ecstatic.  I light-heartedly went to them and said, “Boys, daddy wants to move back in, we need to have a vote.”  My middle son raised his hand, and so did I.  My oldest said, “I knew it.”  I said…”well, it looks like it is unanimous.”  My 2 year old copied me and said, “unanimous.”  It was a beautiful moment of hope.

It was a beautiful moment of hope.  I believe in God and miracles.

He had only been there for an hour when he asked if we could be intimate.  I sat next to him on the bed unsure of what to say.  A part of me knew it wasn’t a good idea, he had betrayed me and had left me and our boys.  Another part of me wanted to slip back into denial and forget about the boundaries.  I wanted to lie low and pretend like everything was okay just for one more moment.

I wanted to be with him and I didn’t all at the same time.  Finally, I agreed, it was so nice to be back in his presence.  To smell him and let his big arms wrap around me.  I wanted to forget the pain and let every second seep deep into my hurting heart.

Boundaries and Emptiness

At the same time I didn’t want to be deceptive.  I could not go back to the way we had been living.  I needed to remind him of my boundaries and what it meant for him to come back:

  1. No Alcohol in the home.
  2. No more bad movies with sexual content.
  3. No Vegas
  4. Dating….we needed to start spending time together to reconnect.

He agreed to all of them with a smile on his face.

Unfortunately, what could have been such an amazing moment to reconnect was not.  It was just sex, and after we were done I felt empty.  I tried to hide it, it was nice to have him around again regardless, but it did not feel up my emptiness like I had hoped.

No! How do I tell the boys

I was heartbroken when later in the day I received a text message from my husband saying that he would meet me at my sons soccer game the next day.  He told me that he was going to go back and sleep in the camper he had been staying in.  I guess that was his way of saying that he wasn’t coming back.  Ouch!  My heart broke for me, but it broke more for my boys.  They were so hopeful and I had to tell them that daddy changed his mind.  The night was full of tears and they weren’t just mine.

You’re trying to control me

I went over to my husband at the soccer game and I told him that I was so hurt,  That i felt so used.  He said, “I started thinking about what you said and you are trying to control me. I am an adult, and if I want beer at my house I will have beer at my house.  I will watch what I want to watch at my house, and if I want to go to Vegas I will go to Vegas.”  I shook my head and went to sit elsewhere.  I knew that I was not capable of sitting by him at the moment without entering the drama triangle, so I moved down the field.

I need a girl, facing shame

I woke up to the alarm on my husband ipod.  He must have left it here.  I reach up to turn it off.  There is nothing worse than waking up after a horrible night to the alarm of a person that just betrayed you again.  I decided to click on the email button just to see email after email from dating websites.  The betrayal went a little deeper.  I felt so much shame.  Shame that I was dumb enough to believe that he was actually coming back.  Shame to think that he really wanted me back.  Shame that I hadn’t followed my gut that told me having sex was a bad idea.  Shame! Shame! Shame!

When I got a chance I asked him about the dating websites.  He said, “I thought I could do it alone, but I can’t.  I need a girl.”  It felt like I had been punched in the stomach.  For 17 years I had given this man the best of everything that I had …..and to him I was just a girl.

NOT  “just a girl”

That one hit me hard.  I spent a few weeks working through that painful moment when I knew what I had been to him.  That one phrase explained so much.  To him, I was never his life partner.  I was not a woman that he wanted to spend the rest of his life with.  I was a girl to him.  An object that served a purpose until I started to force him to see ME with my boundaries.  In that moment he didn’t need this girl anymore. 

In the end, after 19 years of marriage, our divorce was final.  On that day he lost so much more than “just a girl”  He lost ME!

It has taken me years to see that I am not “JUST A GIRL”  I am so much more than that, and so are you!

Sending Love,