I look back to days gone by, I look back to being a small girl with a dream…. Maybe it was a dream of castles and a prince that would come to my rescue. Disney cartoons used to do that….the prince coming to rescue the damsel in distress. At the same time….I knew that I was never pretty enough or skinny enough for the prince to really want me. Funny how it didn’t take away the hope. Hope that someone would come and love me so much that I would have my happily ever after.
The first mistake was my beleif that there was someone out in the world that had enough power that they could fix me. I was sure that if someone else had the capacity to love me that maybe I would be given the capacity to love myself. If they saw my worth, I would have worth. If they saw my value, I would have value. If they saw me, I would be worth seeing. My first husband has many of his own issues, issues that led to a very sad ending for us, but I can’t help but think about the responsibility I placed on him when we got married.
Imagine for a moment getting married to someone whose worth, value, and lovability depended entirely on you. I wanted him to save me. I wanted him to make me feel worthy and valuable and loveable. The truth, he couldn’t, he was not capable of giving me the gift that I desired. No man is capable of giving this gift. I have learned that with my second marriage. My new husband loves me, good or bad or ugly. He loves me no matter what and I still have days when I feel worthless and unlovable. Days when my brain tells me that I am not worth being loved. This will most likely be the battle of my life.
I have been reading a book called, “The Voice of Knowledge,” by Don Miguel Ruiz. The messages within the book are profound. It speaks about when we are born we come to earth the gain knowledge. How sometimes that “Knowledge” isn’t truth, but how it becomes our truth. How what we believe about ourselves is often lies spoken to us by Satan. (If you get a chance….this book is well worth your time) It has me thinking about all of the lies I learned about myself as a small child and how they haunt me today.
- I used to believe that in order to be loved I had to be perfect, and because I am incapable of being perfect I am unloveable.
- I struggle with the belief that if I make a mistake I am bad.
- I struggle believing that I am important.
- I struggle believing that I am good enough to be loved, that my mistakes make me unlovable.
- I struggle with the belief that little ol’ me can make a difference.
….and many others.
The book also brings up another really amazing thought…..what if we already are perfect? What if our maker made us exactly as we are for a specific purpose. What if we do not have to seek perfection because in all of our faults and humanity we actually are perfect. What if it is Satans constant lies that are telling us we have to be different and that is what leads us down a path to our demise? Think of all the bad that happens in this world… is it not because the master of lies has told people….all people that they needed something different?
So, today I am trying really hard to sit in the FACT that I am exactly as God wanted me to be. If I am perfect today…… what would I do with my life? Would I be happier? Would I stop chasing after things that really have no importance?
I am accepting that my life, no matter how messy and ugly it has been, was meant to be. That my suffering and pain was part of the journey to make me who God wanted me to become. Today I am trying to accept my story, the one I am living right now, not the fairy tale that I wanted. I am trying to accept that this journey is my perfection. I ask you to sit for a moment and ponder the same questions.
What if ____________ (your name) already is perfect? How would you live today differently?
Little did I know at the time that the breaks were little compared to what life would have in store for me.