When I first found out about you, my heart broke.
Why would you sleep with my husband?
Was it because of lies that he told you about me? Did he play a victim? What could he have possibly told you that made you forget that I was a person? How did he change me from a real living, breathing, human being with feelings….. to an object? An object that you cast aside, an object that you didn’t feel you should respect?
A Glimpse of You
I think of the many times that I wanted to go to your place of employment and inquire about you. One of you worked at a library. How easy it would have been. I could have even approached you to ask a question. Maybe I would have gotten a glimpse of you that might explain why my husband would abandon me to have sex with you. Were you kind? Beautiful? What allure did you have? I wanted to compare, in an attempt to understand how this could be happening to me. In order for him to ruin our family, to take that risk…… you must be really special. A real show stopper. Right?
My heart was breaking….I wonder, was yours fluttering with excitement?
When I was laying on a wet…. tear stained pillow, suffering more than I ever imagined possible…..my heart breaking….and deeply wanting the pain to stop…….were you laughing on your pillow….giddy about the man that you were falling in love with?
Did your mind ever stop to wonder who the woman was on the other side? Or did you dismiss me and swat the thought away like you would have an annoying gnat?
Did you think about our children or did he tell you that he didn’t have any? We have little boys who laid in my lap and cried themselves to sleep when their daddy chose not to come home. Or were you selfish, so wrapped up into your wants and needs that you ignored their existence too? They were innocent.
I wonder if your laughter could have drowned out their weeping. Did you ever stop even for a moment to think about them?
I want you to know that while your heart was fluttering with excitement, mine was breaking.
Why can’t I just hate you
I wanted to HATE you! I wanted to call you all kinds of horrible names that we call women who sleep around. I wanted to make you see and feel my suffering and the pain of my children. I didn’t understand why you would hurt anyone the way I was hurting. I wanted you to suffer too.
Then a small miracle occurred. A grace from God that helped me not only forgive you, but to understand that maybe we weren’t so different. You saw me as an object, but I saw you as one too.
I had to face the fact that you probably were beautiful, and kind, (aren’t all God’s daughters) and I’m even betting that you are not selfish, oh how I wished I could label you with some horrible terms, but I couldn’t. Although this recognition was painful it is also what saved me. I stopped seeing you as an object and decided to see you as a person. If I saw you as a person I could not deny that maybe you were good and genuine. I realized that we are both broken, that is what we have in common. When I was crying on the wet tear stained pillow, while you were giddy…… there was a chance that the night before you had been the one with the tear stained pillow. You may have been the one that just wanted to pain to stop.
I recognized that I was not that far from you. That I had a secret with a friends husband that I kept hidden for years. (Read about my here secret)
I recognized that my sin came because I wanted the pain to stop. It wasn’t because I loved him…it was because I was hurting. I just wanted my worth to be validated, and maybe …..just maybe your search was the same.
Are you hurting? I am!
Are you broken? I am!
Did you want to be loved, valued, and cherished? Me Too!
Maybe we are not that different. And because of that, I forgive you. I forgive you for the pain that you caused me and I am so sorry for the pain that you suffer from.