Letter to Fear
This past month I have been blinded and afraid to write because of you. I have been afraid of judgment. I have wondered if the words I have spoken here will be used against me when it comes to future jobs to my future life. You did exactly as you were always meant to do….you froze me in time and I quit writing. I sealed my words up inside of me, I even considered taking down this blog and hoping that all the writings I had sent in for publishing would somehow be lost. Look what you do to me? It doesn’t even seem to phase you, how you can come in and shut a person down like that?
“Just doing my job.” That’s what you would say. FEAR, Oh how I hate thee.
FEAR, Oh how I hate thee.
I hate how you can take something good, and you can make a person worry so much that they just STOP. There seems to be no way around you…only through you. So today like many days before, I walk straight ahead refusing to let you seal my lips any longer. Refusing to let you rule my life or the journey that I am taking. Refusing to accept you as my reality. Choosing to find the other side, something past you, and hoping that one day I will be far beyond your reach.
World take your best shot, I no longer want to live in shadows. I not longer want to be afraid.
You Will NOT Win,
Sealed My Words
Over the past month sharing the real Norma has become hard. I thought I had worked through the FEAR of putting my life and my story out there, but I haven’t. Something shifted and all of a sudden I was afraid at showing you ME. I have shared many dark places on this blog. Many places that I hope you never have to visit, but if you do…one day…find yourself in darkness and trauma is knocking on your door. I want you to know that I was there too. That I GET IT! That If you let me help I won’t let you sit there alone.
I sat there alone. I don’t want that for you. You are worth too much!
SO I guess this is my recommitment. The story of my husband being unfaithful is my past….I want to share the story of my future. The story of me learning day by day, moment by moment how to work through the trauma that my life has left me with.
Not That Bad
I can’t begin to tell you how many times I have told my therapist that my life was not that bad, and at the same time ask her how come I can relate so well with trauma books and traumatized people. I continually try to minimize my experiences. She tells me time and time again that what is traumatizing for one person is not for another, and that some people were born with sensitive brains. (That’s Me) Then she reminds me that being married to an addict for 19 years is not small feat and we move forward trying to work at the trauma that is locked within my brain and my body. I have found that speaking the trauma aloud lets me release it. I no longer want it to be a part os my very cells. I am determined that my trauma will become bad memories. I know that I will never forget the trauma, but I am tired of it ruling my life. I am tired of it sealing my lips.
Thank you to all thos that read, and make kind comments. What you say does make a difference. To all those that can relate to the pain I have felt. I am so sorry. My heart is with all of you.