I lay on the ground looking up at the blue sky. Unaware of what just happened to me. My body struggling to breathe as the air was knocked out of me by the hard fall. My body hurt, soul hurt, brain confused, a deep reminder of how broken I am. The wall went up and my heart shut down.
Getting knocked Down
Last week I was knocked down, harder than I have been in quite some time. I had three major trauma responses back to back and I was left in the dirt wondering what had just happened to me. Honestly, it took me several days to even recognise I was in trauma response. Had any of the traumas happen separately I think I could have handled them fine and I would have been back up in a couple of days, but three at a time was too much. Old coping mechanisms came back to visit and I was shut down for a week. The large steel enforced wall went up around me, and my heart shut down. You know….those trauma super powers that I have mentioned before. (Read the post here)
I wish that I could say that I immediately wanted to get back up and start fighting, but I didn’t. A part of me wanted to admit defeat, to say something like….”Fine trauma, you win!” Those around me couldn’t see the battle that was raging inside. I went about my daily tasks in a bit of a trance. Old lies snuck back in …… my soul and heart seemed to be paralyzed. I got up and fed my children, I took care of them, but noticed that my responses lacked my normal patience.
I spent much of last week in a numbed out state….I would have done anything to avoid my reality. I watched too much TV and I ate too much junk food. The scariest part to me was that I had moments where I wanted to just stop trying. I really was flat on my face and I felt like I had no way out. On top of being emotionally shut down, my physical body took a hit. I came down with a sore throat, cold sore, and my body was so tired. No matter what I did, I just couldn’t get back up.
I haven’t felt this way for a really long time. In fact, since I went through the hellish months of self-discovery after my first husband left. I have come to the painful new discovery that attachments scare the Hell out of me. I can’t even explain the pain and fear that I feel when I am close to people. It is almost like I am just waiting for them to betray me, and when they do… no matter how big or little it is almost like I expected it. Like somewhere deep down in my subconscious I believe that I deserved it. My logic, when it is working, will tell me that it is a lie, that no one deserves betrayal, but I wonder if I do.
Wanting to Run
I want to believe that facing all of my past trauma will eventually lead me to a better place of peace, hope, and love….. yet deep down all I want to do is run. I want to run from the pain and the suffering. Sometimes it seems like it is just too much. That if I didn’t have to face attachment to anyone ever again then the pain would just go away, but I know that is a lie. I remember what it was like to be single and alone…it had it’s own hardships. I know that if I run, all of my attachment demons will just be on my heals following me wherever I go. I know that I can’t run from this no matter how much I would like to.
So today, I choose to turn back and look at the darkness that is following me. I am afraid, angry, and tired….but I refuse to let it beat me. I know that I need to increase my self-care. I need to get up and exercise, I need to pray.
Dear friends, will you choose to turn and look at yours? Let’s do it together. We are not alone.