I flipped him off! I lost control of myself and for the first time in my life I did it. The shame hit me as soon as my finger went up, but it was too late to take it back. He wouldn’t back off and he woke my lion. (Here is a link to the post about my Lion if you haven’t read it.)
I was so disappointed with myself, there is nothing worse than when I betray myself and who I want to be. I never want to lose control of myself to the point where I am reactive rather than choosing to react, and it had just happened.
It used to happen all of the time. Before my first marriage fell apart, I lived in reactivity. I was reactive in all areas of my life, counseling for three years helped me change that. I learned that my reactivity was linked to my shame and when I dealt with my shame the reactivity disappeared, for the most part.
I walked into my room closing the door behind me, I was trying to send a very clear message that I did not want him to follow me. I threw myself on the bed, the tears pouring down my face, regret already setting in. The door opened behind me. I sat up and immediately took accountability for what I had done. I apologized for flipping him off. I told him that I had betrayed who I want to be and that I had not been in control. Flipping him off was mine and I was owning it. It didn’t matter what he had done to lead me to that point. In that moment I broke, the moment my finger went up, I chose!
I am accountable
The word accountability means to be held accountable, liable, it means that I will have to answer to God for what I do.
Romans 14:12 “So then each of us shall give an account of himself to God.”
It doesn’t say that I will give an account of my husband or my children. I will give an account of myself and this should be my focus.
If you wouldn’t have…
It would be so easy to blame it on him, to say that if he would have just backed off then I wouldn’t have flipped him off. In fact, that is a true statement, but two wrongs do not make a right. I will never become the person that I want to be if I justify my bad behavior based on his bad behavior. In order for me to grow I need to be accountable for me. If he wants to grow….then he needs to be accountable for himself.
It is not my job, nor can I make someone else take accountability.
If I am overly concerned with the healing of others, I am not focused on the one person that I can heal. ~ Norma Zaugg
There are so many distractions that are trying to pull me off of my own path to more healing. I worry about my children and how they will use their agency. I worry at times that my own shame around their choices will lead me to push them in a negative direction. Sometimes I try to force my family to heal, I try to force them to see what they are doing wrong. There is one problem and that is that people have to want change.
This morning God confirmed to me that both of these are distractions that pull me away from looking at myself.
I can beg you to heal, but until you want it….
At the end of my first marriage, I learned that I could not change my husband. I could reach to him, but he had to make the effort to reach back. I could beg for his healing, but until he wanted to be healed all of my begging would land on ‘deaf ears’. I learned that the only person that I could heal was me, and I needed a lot of work. Slowly instead of waiting for my ex-husband to come and save me, I looked inside.
I was afraid about what I might find but began to understand that no one else could show up for me until I could show up for myself. The journey began and it was a painful one because I had to look at ME. I had to look at all the ways I had enabled. I had to look at the wounds that my childhood had given me that had hurt my marriage. I had to look at how toxic my codependency had become. Still to this day heavenly father allows me to see damage that I did to my first marriage. Each and every time the knowledge is painful, but I am always thankful because the knowledge provides me with the opportunity to make ammens when the time is right.
Today I am rededicating myself to my own healing. I am going to surrender the healing of others over to God and I am going to focus on me. After all, I have plenty of work to do, and I am worth it. Can you surrender the other people in your life to God and begin the journey of self-discovery? It is a painful one, but you are worth it.