I walked in and all was quiet. So quiet that I wondered if he was even home. My house looked the same, the furniture arranged as I had it, it was cleaner than it would have been if I was around. None of my clutter piles on the floor waiting to be organized. The book shelves were empty….no books, the pictures from our wedding buried in a box somewhere. I looked over and saw that there was a message.
The red blinking analog number was the only movement in the room. I walked closer, wanting to hit the play button, but wondering if that was dishonest. I wasn’t currently living there, but it was my house and my answering machine. I held my breath and reluctantly and anxiously reached out to hit the play button. I don’t know what I was expecting.
That is when I heard her voice, “I met you at the bar the other night, I was wondering if you wanted to hook up.” Sick, I feel sick, anxiety starting in my core and entering and flooding my chest. I look down at my hands, they are shaking. Sick, so sick, and so silent. The answering machine beeps at the end of the message, and the number quits blinking. Gravity seems to be pulling so hard on my body, I am out of breath, it beckons me to fall to the floor. I use all of my energy to stay on my feet. I stagger back to the bedroom, he lays so peacefully. Asleep as if nothing happened. Tears start to fill my eyes. How could this be happening to me?
Just Be Better
Instead of running, I have a deep desire to just be better. I want to prove to him that I am worth it. That I am amazing, and that he should want to keep me. I go against everything that my spirit tells me and I wake him up with a smile. I don’t mention the voice mail …….not yet. I don’t want to anger him. I just want him to be happy. I want him to love and cherish me. I rub his feet, maybe if I just serve him more. Maybe…just maybe….
Later, I would bring up my pain and ask about it …..later. After I feel safe.
I handed him my value
For years and years this was my pattern. My ex-husband was neglectful and emotionally abusive. He was a self-centered man who cared only about his own wants and desires. His lust…. I look back now and I can see that I didn’t feel like I had any value. I didn’t feel like I was worth loving or being cherished. So, not only did I allow him to treat me so poorly, but I thought I deserved it. I handed my value over to him and let him mold me. It was a yucky mistake, I handed my precious self over to a man who had no desire or ability to help me see how great I actually was. I thought I was just lucky that he came home at night. After all that he pulled….most nights he would come home to me…most nights.
I thought I was just lucky that he came home at night. After all that he pulled….most nights he would come home to me…most nights.
I cry today for that young girl that couldn’t see her value. That young girl that didn’t know that she really was amazing and that she had so much to offer. If I could go back in time and offer myself one piece of advice, it would be this:
Do not look at yourself through the eyes of a man who is unable to see your value. Don’t look at yourself through your eyes that may not be able to see your value. Look at yourself through God’s eyes and know that you are precious and you are worth fighting for, KNOW your value. ~Norma Zaugg
For all of you that are hurting, that have been abused and mistreated far beyond what any person should have to experience, look for your value through God’s eyes, for he has the only true lenses, and if you ask he will show you what you are worth.
Photo Credit: Brad Cerenzia. (2007, June 3). Spooky full-ring Rainbow.