“It doesn’t matter what you say, or what you do, I don’t believe you!” I didn’t say it in anger. I said it because deep inside I know it is true. Until I believe it and until I know it in the depths of my soul, my brain will always have a little ounce of doubt.
Then, he asked a question that would bring me tons of shame. “Does it make you feel better when you push me away?”
Ouch, now that hurt….I sank into the deeper thoughts of my mind. “Is that what I was doing?” I asked myself. A wash of yuck covered my entire body. I stayed silent….I had no response.
I pushed the thought aside….too painful to think about it any longer….maybe there is some truth in that statement.
I Won’t Be Chosen
I don’t know when I started to believe this. I know it was early on. Even before I was engaged to my first husband. Somewhere my underdeveloped brain just accepted this as a truth for me. I believed that unless I was perfect I wouldn’t be chosen. Oh, how I wish I could leave it in the past with the word believed….the painful, shaming, hard to write truth is that I still believe it.
The media images remind me that nothing about me is perfect…… the help create the perfect storm. Sometimes I slip into a muddy rut….reminded of how I am not enough and won’t be chosen.
My husband tries, oh how he tries to convince me that he has chosen me. That he is not going anywhere. He faces my attachment trauma over and over again in so many areas, but no matter how hard he tries, I don’t believe him. Sometimes I think he stays because he doesn’t want another failed marriage. Other times I think….maybe he doesn’t think that he can find better. (If that isn’t a selfish horrible thought….there I go shaming myself again) I don’t know why he stays…..I would be lying if I didn’t admit that one of my DEMONS hidden deep inside tells me that it is only a matter of time. That demon whispers, “It is only a matter of time Norma, don’t get your hopes up.”
Today I sit at my computer crying……..crying because I want him to stay because I am worth it. I want him to stay because he loves me. I want him to stay because there is no other woman in this universe that is like me, and I do have something to offer. My attachment trauma and childhood trauma reminds me otherwise. And I cry. I pray and plead to God that one day my demons won’t haunt me and I will be free.
I’m Going to Fight
However powerful my faulty core beliefs are, my soul doesn’t want to exist there. My soul wants to sore free….far above the lies mt brain sometimes tells me. So today and most days, I am going to fight. I am going to fight the lies…..that I have believed most of my life. If you too have Demons,,,, and lies to fight I invite you to join me.
How to Fight
Step 1: I’m going to ask God what he thinks of me.
Step 2: I’m going to push back the lying thoughts that plague my mind today. With each tormenting thought, I am going to write an affirmation belief that counteracts it. Even though I don’t beleive the new affirmation yet.
Step 3: I’m going to use those new affirmations every day…hoping that one day I will believe them. Hoping that one day those messages will be more ingrained than the lies.
These steps can be used for any faulty core beleifs or lies you beleive about yourself.