- I know, it is so hard to put the addiction aside and see the person. Especially when the person standing before you does not feel like the person you married.
Often times I felt like someone else had come in and hijacked my husband.
He loved me in the beginning
All the effort that he put into gifts and all the times he showed up at my door to say hello, he showed that he loved me. He would come over while I was gone and leave love messages.
This one was my favorite love message. He did it when I was out with my roommates. It was placed on the ceiling above my bed so I could see it every time I laid down. I felt special and important.
This one is a gift he made for me 6 weeks prior to our wedding. They were little rock people that were on a stand. It got broken, but I kept the pieces because it was so precious to me.
It wasn’t long before this man that I adored was a man I didn’t know. He started keeping secrets. He was staying out late with his friends, coming home drunk, and lying. In the first two years of our marriage, he was not recognizable. I stayed for another 16 years because I loved him. I had suspicions that became reality at the end of our marriage. We were seeing a sex addiction counselor that verified his addiction.
I finally knew him
The most beautiful time during our marriage was about a month before he left. He had been working with an addiction counselor for 6 months. He had started to fight. He came out and he was honest about his duplicity, the strippers, and the affairs. I wanted to make it work and I felt closer to him than I ever had. He told me about his childhood, and difficult things that he faced. For the first time I really saw him. He cried, I mean really cried, I laid next to him and wept. He was fighting and he was the man that I knew he could be. I wanted him to win. I wanted to save our family. I was in counseling weekly to work through my trauma. I was his biggest fan!
Then, well…….I don’t know what happened.
He Gave Up
The day he gave up was one of the saddest days of my life. He told me that he couldn’t stop the addiction. I felt like finally I knew a small part of him that I had always longed to know, but just like that he stopped fighting. He told me that he would do everything else that I asked, but that he couldn’t stop the behavior that kept him addicted. This is when I had to let him go. I knew that if he wasn’t able to stop the lust and fantasy that It was only a matter of time before he would be unfaithful again. I wasn’t willing to live in fear any longer.
The enemy was always Satan
We were both fighting an enemy who is the master of lies. That enemy was Satan, and I wanted to win. My heart broke when I let my husband go. I would have gone to HELL and back with him if he would have kept fighting. Giving up was not an option for me.
I am still his cheerleader
Still to this day I am rooting for him. I hope that there will be a day when he will be free from the chains that keep him in bondage. I hope that he has already broken some of them. I want him to be happy and I want him to be free. I pray that one day I will see him in heaven and he will be the man that I always knew he was capable of becomming. Right at the end as he waked away, I plead with him to keep fighting. I told him that I knew that man who he could become, and I wanted that man to fight.
My battle continues
I have a lot of trauma from being neglected and verbally abused for so long. I am still in a battle against Satan. He tried to pull me down daily with his lies. I have to fight so that I can be healthy for my children. I know that I have a lot of work to do. I know that the more work I do, the less work my children will have to do. Just knowing that makes it worth the fight.
How I did It
Separating him from his addiction was hard. It helped a lot when I realized that I was seeing him as an object not a person. In order to see him as a person I think of him as a small child that was introduced to Pornography at the age of 5. I also think of him as a teenage boy that was hurting and wanting to numb his pain. When I can see him this was I am able to have empathy for what it must have been like. Sometimes I look at my 5 year old boy just to put things in persepctive. All of this makes me think about how sly Satan really is. It reminds me that he is who we are fighting against.
Assignment For Healing: Think of someone that has rally hurt you. Try to think of them as a person instead of an object. This was the key that helped me better see who I was really fighting.