Honesty…. Honesty…. Honesty, it is something that we expect from ourselves and from others, but talk about painful. It can be yucky to take a look at ourselves and our behaviors and the character flaws that keep us from becoming the person we want to be. This year I decided that I really needed to take some time going back over the 12 steps. I have been through all of the steps, but I feel a little stuck with my trauma and decided to focus on it this time as I work the steps.
Step one is all about honesty. In my last post, I mentioned that I have complex trauma. My truth is that I don’t know what to do with it. It can take me out at the knees, and I am tired of being taken out at the knees. In step one we come to admit that we are powerless—- and that life is unmanageable.
So, here goes, “I admit that I am powerless over my trauma—that when I am having a trauma response my life is unmanageable, and I need God’s help.”
This past week has been a rough week as I have been trying really hard to look at myself. I hate to admit this and at the same time I am determined to heal, so I’m going to look anyways. This is a Norma Yuck Moment, please bare with me.
I’m taking a deep breath…..here goes:
- I admit that sometimes I get mad at/ scared of others and blame them for my emotions. (Yuck)
- I admit that I have complex trauma and I don’t know what to do with it and sometimes I wish someone else could just come in and fix it for me. (Yuck)
- I recognize that I am the only one that can do anything about my trauma even though I didn’t cause it or ask for it. (Grrrr)
- I recognize that blaming those that I feel are accountable will get me nowhere. (Another Grrrr)
- I realize that codependency is toxic and I am still working on codependence. (Yuck)
- I realize that although my ex-husband had an addiction that harmed our relationship, my codependency and lack of self-esteem also harmed our relationship. (Yuck)
I’m sure I have many more truths that I need to look at and own, but that is my list for today. I know that I will begin to make progress when I accept the truth that I am powerless over my trauma. As my new marriage moves forward and I become more attached, more of my wounds from the past surface and some days I am angry, full of fear, and desperate. I know that if I obsess about my trauma and try to control it, life becomes unmanageable. (This does not mean that I shouldn’t deal with the triggers, it is necessary for me to try and catch them so I can stop the unhealthy snowball of feelings and emotions that come when the trigger moves into trauma)
When trauma takes over and I blame others I have come to realize that life gets more and more unmanageable. I recognize that I need to focus on me, what I am doing, and what I can do. I need to work on my Spirit being in control of my body.
Before you can master yourself, my precious one, you need to know who you are. You consist of two parts—your physical body, and your spirit which lives within your body. You may have heard the expression “mind over matter.” That’s what I would like to talk about—but phrase it a little differently: “spirit over body.” That is self-mastery. ~Russell M. Nelson
- Recognize that I am Accountable for Me: Taking personal accountability, although painful at times is also empowering. When we recognize that we are the one in control of our own outcome we have a desire to make changes for our own well being.
- Understand and Accept Powerlessness: Feeling powerless is a natural part of humanity. We are powerless over so many things: disasters, illness, loss of a job, death, to name a few. We recognize that we need more than our own strength when it comes to many of life’s challenges. We need God. When We accept that we are not in control, that God is in control and he does have a plan for us, We are able to show more humility and trust in his plan.
- Surrendering and Letting go: To let go does not mean that we quit feeling. Instead, we let go of our fear, thoughts, behaviors and false beliefs that keep us stuck and create more pain. We will feel relief as we embrace the truth that God is the one who can heal us. We can not heal ourselves.
- Self-Care: When we care for ourselves in a kind and nurturing way we start to change the things that we can. By taking one day at a time we can start to care for our own personal physical, emotional and spiritual health. This allows us to find peace in our own lives. Taking care of ourselves helps us to better handle triggers when they occur and can help us when we are facing a trauma response.
Assignment For Healing:
Are you being honest with yourself? Recognition is the first step in healing. I hope you will join me as I get real with myself and work through the 12 steps.