When I was younger I had a fire for life. I remember that I wanted to play in multiple sports, I wanted to be a pianist and a drummer, I wanted to be a cheerleader and dancer, every type of dance you can imagine. I had a flame inside of me. My parents had to reign me in so many times, their finances didn’t permit me being involved in everything. I had a passion for life and the world around me seemed like it was my playground to explore. My parents were always encouraging and told me that whatever I did to do my best at it. They drove me to dance classes and competitions. Life was grand. They told me that I could do anything that I put my mind to, and believe me I tried. I wanted to be the best, and they believed that I could be.
When we were dating he was encouraging. He liked that I was athletic and good at such a variety of different things. He would come and watch me perform and compliment my successes. After our marriage the change didn’t happen quickly, it was slow……the poison seeped in over time. He quit encouraging me and the gap between us grew. The bucket of NOT ENOUGH put out my fire. I didn’t quit trying to do things. I continued to dance and taught classes when I was in college, but I became more insecure about my
I didn’t quit trying to do things. I continued to dance and I taught classes when I was in college, but I became more insecure about my body, and my ability.
My husband found worth in rock climbing, running, and Mt. Biking. I wanted his approval and love so badly that I started doing what he did. I was determined to prove that I was good enough for him. I ran a half marathon and countless 5k and 10k races. I have done 2 triathlons, one while I was pregnant trying to prove that I was tough and good enough. I have rock climbed and mountain climbed. I have Mt. Biked more that I ever wanted to Mt. Bike.
He was good at all of those things. I put forth my very best effort and no matter how fast I could run, or ride. No matter how many mountains or cliffs I climbed I always felt miles behind him. I was not strong enough, fast enough, I was not enough.
His addiction changed me
My once light happy self was drowning in muck. I tried so hard. I didn’t understand why my best wasn’t enough. I was chasing something that it was impossible for me to achieve. He wanted perfection from me…..and I couldn’t get there. My head and heart were heavy. I worked 110% to prove to him that I had worth, that I had value. Over time this world, that was supposed to be my playground, it was my jail. I was no longer energetic and fun-loving. I was broken
Living my life for him
Never feeling like I was enough was the poison that put out my passion. A passion is an intense desire or enthusiasm for something. I lost my desire. I was sad. I became the puppet. I quit doing what I loved and started doing what he loved. Things that I once liked I no longer liked. I look back now and I did not run that half marathon for me. I ran it for him. I did not do those triathlons for me. I did them for him. I no longer lived life for me, I lived life for him. Life was dark, and sad, and lonely.
Coming out of the darkness
I have been divorced for over two years, and I am finally learning how to do things for me. I am dancing again and a studio gave me a job teaching for them a couple of hours a week. I am remembering how good it makes me feel and how beautiful I can be when I am doing it. My passion is returning, I am not doing it for approval and my passion is returning. I am doing it because I love it.
I have gained a bit of weight because for the past two years I did not want to run or bike, or swim. When I would do any of those things I would feel intense shame. That shame of not being good enough, so I quit doing those things…. they were too painful.
About two weeks ago I woke up suddenly in the middle of the night with a feeling that it was time. I decided that am going to sign up to do a triathlon next year. I have begun my training. I think I am finally strong enough to do it for me. Slowly I am changing the messages. So next year for the first time in my life,
I am not doing it to be enough. I am doing it because I am enough. ~ Norma Zaugg
My challenge to you is the same. Don’t do it to be enough, do it because you already are,