I remember the day I did it. The day I reached over and tagged my partner in the tag team wrestling match. I was tired, I had been digging deep and fighting with everything that I had for months, for years. I was determined to win, and I wanted to win my way.
I always knew my partner was the stronger member of our team, and I knew he would win it for us, but when he takes over the match becomes unpredictable. I was afraid of that!
I didn’t want to tag him, and I did want to all at the same time. I was worn out, tired of fighting a battle that I was losing.
Have you ever felt that way? I think it happens when deep down in our souls we want a different outcome than we are getting. We know we have given it our best, but fear keeps us right where we are despite the losing battle.
Reaching over and tagging our partner, handing over our agency to face the unknown is so hard.
I chose, I was going to make my marriage work no matter what. I did not want a divorce, to me it meant failure. It meant giving up and I am a fighter I don’t give up. I didn’t want the title of DIVORCED, I didn’t want my children to be in a broken family. I was holding on until the bitter end.
My husband kept moving forward as if it was already a done deal. I was on my knees more than I had ever been in my life. I knew that God could fix this, my faith was deep. I was praying for a change of heart. I was praying for a miracle.
There was one major thing in the way. My wrestling partner couldn’t even change it, and that was that my husband had agency too.
Your wrestling partner can’t change that about your story either. He can’t take away another person’s agency.
The change of heart
I prayed that my husband would have a change of heart. The change of heart happened, but it was not my husband’s heart. It was mine! In humility and prayer, I begged for God’s help. I had been running faster that I was capable and I was weary.
I cried for a long time. I did not want to tag God, I was afraid of how the match would end. Somehow I thought if I just kept fighting and held on long enough that it could end the way I wanted it to.
He waited patiently on the sidelines for me to turn the match over to him. I held on as long as I was physically and emotionally capable of doing. On my knees and beaten down I crawled to the side of the ring. I told Heavenly Father that I would do anything to save my marriage, couldn’t he please save it. I asked him to give me the desire to hand it over. In that moment with no energy left, I stopped grasping for what was not there, I reached up and tagged him.
Do you struggle with tagging God too?
God (my partner) willingly took over the match. As I anticipated it did not go as I had wanted. I have the title DIVORCED, and my little boys have a broken family. It has been a hard journey that I didn’t choose.
What I do know is that I left the match with a broken heart and a contrite spirit and God did take care of me. I faced immense sorrow and had to move in and out of the stages of grief several times. I also felt more peace and more love from him than I ever had. I knew that he had not left me alone and he was in the ring fighting for me.
You can let him take over your match too!
Still fighting for me
The unique thing about this wrestling match is that he lets me come back in the ring whenever I want. I get to do the tagging to get in the ring and to get out of the ring. He lets me have my agency. You think I woud have learned by now that I should just sit back and watch, but in my fallen earthly state I still jump back in and take the match back at times. He lets me, he knows that I jump back in to learn what I need to learn and that when I am ready I will tag him again.
Little did I know that one of my miracles would come in the form of a bald man. A man who would have been prepared by his past to help heal many of my wounds.
When you are ready, tag God and watch the miracles happen.
Wedding Day 2015