I rocked myself back and forth, back and forth, telling myself I was okay, but I didn’t feel okay. Trying to remind myself that there was no immediate threat, but feeling so threatened. The pain from the inside was taking over my body. “Deep breaths Norma, deep breaths ….calm,” I told myself. I hurt everywhere and the tears kept coming! Deep down I wanted to flip a switch and quit feeling. The trauma wanting to take over, but my soul willing me to stay online.
Just like that, I looked up, “Fine, it is all my fault, I take full accountability.” At that moment I felt a shift in my body and a piece of my soul died. That is when I heard myself wailing in pain, “God, Please help me, God, please help me”….like a broken record coming from my vocal cords. “Why won’t you help me?”
All the sudden It was like I was in a time warp and I was transported back to my first home with my first husband. A single wide trailer in a trailer park. It had maroon carpet and brown paneled walls. I continued to rock myself, so many tears. So many memories. So many nights I rocked myself and begged God to help me. So many nights I was alone and he didn’t show up.
I cried for myself today, and I cried for that young 19-year-old girl that was alone and didn’t know what to do. Just like 20 years ago on that red carpet I cried and begged for him to save me. Why did he leave me there? Was I undeserving of his grace? I tried so hard, why didn’t he come to save me? And today…..why doesn’t he save me today?
I begged for an answer, It is beyond my understanding, I was a good person, I always tried. Why can’t I have peace?
Taking Full Accountability
This was an error I made this week and an error I made during most of my first marriage. Something happens when I feel blamed, something dark and yucky. When I give myself over and take full accountability for all of my stuff and their stuff I lose a part of myself. A part of my light, that I will have to fight to get back. My ex-husband was a blamer. If something went wrong it was my fault, I happen to be an overly responsible person, and for years believed that if I was just better life would be better. Sometimes those demons come back for a visit. I have to fight them off, but last night I quit fighting, and I gave a part of myself over. I felt the shift happen inside of my body, it was deep, one more part of the “whole Norma” lost in the abyss.
God, Where are you?
I don’t know where God went, but I did not feel his presence. I kept thinking of the poem “Footprints In The Sand” and wondered why he didn’t carry me. Why does it feel like everyone else is deserving, but I am forsaken? What did I do that was so wrong? God, will you at least answer that?
Or Did you?
Then a sudden thought, or did you? Were you there? Would my pain have been twice as much had you not been by my side? Does my trauma fool me? Are you trying to free me from it recognizing that the only way to freedom is through it? Why does it have to hurt so much? Am I really strong enough to make it? Oh, how I have moments when I want to run back to the side I came from. Is that a trick too? Oh, I remember, I was not happy there. I’m afraid.
Will you leave me here? In this mess…alone? Can I really count on you to lead me to the other side? To freedom from these demons that haunt me. Father, I am tired.
I recognized that I found a new trauma. I don’t feel like I have done enough to deserve Gods help. I know that is not how it works….right? BUT, that is how I feel. SO today, I am going to ask God a hard question. I’m going to ask him what he thinks of me. I’m going to ask him to show me how he was there all those lonely nights when I didn’t feel his presence.