Years ago I believed that being angry with God was pretty purposeless. Why would I yell at the one person that I truly believed could make things better? My beliefs even went so far as to think that if I was angry at God he would likely punish me, and then I would surely forgo the things that I needed from him. I would cry, I would plead, but I refused to get angry.
My life had been unraveling for quite some time, but I had finally reached the point of no return. The point where I knew things would never be the same and I was struggling with acceptance. My tears seemed to never stop, I didn’t know one person really could cry a river. My pillow was continually drenched and overwhelming sorrow and dread felt like it would stop my heart. Each day brought a new awareness of all that I was losing, and I just had to sit uncomfortably in the unknown. I sat in a yucky position and still kept all the anger and sadness inside.
Until one day when I didn’t. I was hurting more than I ever imagined possible. I could not understand why…. why was this all happening to me? Why was I suffering so, when I had tried so hard to dedicate my life and my heart to him. I felt like he was punishing me for not being perfect enough, and then….then I was angry.
Little did I know that this was the beginning of a new relationship with God. A relationship that would change how I spoke and interacted with him. I began showing God my suffering. I showed him my broken heart. I showed him everything and I waited. I waited for him to see me, and I hoped that he would.
I didn’t realize that while life was unraveling I had slowly pulled away. That my anger, although I wasn’t speaking it was still there and the gap had widened between us. Not because he had moved, but because I had.
It all started with some glass and a hike that would allow me to reconnect with my maker.
Earlier in the week I had gone to a thrift store and I had purchased glass. I was especially thrilled with anything that had hearts or marriage and love related images. A bit of a cynic. When I purchased the glass the clerk wrapped each peice carefully to protect them. Little did she know that each peice was very close to seeing it’s end. I put the glass in the back of my car waiting for the right moment.
One afternoon after dropping my children off at their dads, I realized the time had arrived. I drove up to some mountains not far from town. I didn’t want to be around people, so I was looking for some cliffs off of the beaten path. I drove farther and father up the mountain range before I saw a possibility. I took an unfamiliar dirt road off to the left hoping that it would get me close to where I would begin hiking. Sure enough it was perfect. I got out grabbed my bag of glass and I started walking. The birds were tweeting, and the wind was rustling through the pine branches above me. It started out as a trail, but as the trail continued off to my right I made my way left up a steep incline with no trail. Far up above me I could see the cliff I had targeted from the road. I began making my own path up the dirty and shale covered incline. The hike was slow, the rocks kept slipping beneath my feet, and often I would place one hand down on the hill side to help avoid further slipping. The glass would clink, I tried to protect them on the hike as I wanted full peiced when I arrived. I had to make many small stops to catch my breath, but after what seemed like about an hour I was at the botton of those cliffs. I decided that I wanted to hike to the top. The rocks were a little more sturdy and the end of my chosen path was easier to hike. I stood at the top of a cliff, with a big spire sticking up in front of me. The hill slopeng off on three sides of me.
I sat down. The mountins that had protected me from the wind were gone and I could feel it rushing past em through my hair. There was no trail, so the hike was steep and dirty. After what must have been an hour or so I made my way to the top of the cliffs. I stood there for quite some time admiring the beauty that was below. Reaching a high point on the mountain had gotten me out of the valley where I was protected from the wind and the breeze blew all around me. I sat for quite some time before I stood up. I reached into the bag and unwrapped the glass from the brown paper that had been used to protect it. I faced the spire about 10-15 feet in front of me and I threw the glass as hard as I could agaisnt the solid face. It shattered and the peices slip down the spire into the shale below. With each peice of glass I yelled at God. I yelled at him for leaving me, I yelled at him for the sadness and loss my children were facing. I yelled at him for abandoning me. I yelled and yelled until each peice of glass was shattered, and then I yelled some more. I turned to the three sides and I told him how unfair this was. I told him that I had prayed for a miracle and he had not given me one. I have no idea how long I yelled, but when the glass was gone I cried and cried.
Eventually when I felt all the anger was gone, I got up and started to make my way past the broken glass. Smiling as each sliver that shimmered in the sun. Feeling like I was leaving my brokenness right there with the brokrn glass. I hiked down carefully with the empty plastic bag wrapped around my wrist. About half way down I felt something that I hadn’t felt in a really long time. I felt my reconnection with God. I felt his love and concern for me. I had no idea that I hike and some glass would be what would bring me back to his side. My heart was full and I knew that I was not alone.
If you are feeling lost and disconncted from God, you don’t have to stay there. Maybe it is your day, your moment, to reconnect with god through a hike and glass.
Let him have it, he has wide shoulders he can handle it.
Not only did he handle all of my anger, but I could feel his sorrow and sadness for me. I knew he was sorry and that day he hiked down that mountain with me.
Pour your soul to him and let him carry your burdens.
I think the time has arrived when I need more glass and another hike…. Join me!