I knew the date to sign up was quickly approaching. As it neared I wondered each day if I could do it. Could I fight through the triggers of my past in order to put in the hours I would need to train? I went back and forth. Worried that if I didn’t sign up I would have to admit that the triggers of my past still have a HUGE hold on me, and worried that if I did sign up I might be wasting $100, and finances are tight.
As the new year hit, I knew that I needed to decide…so I reluctantly registered for a Triathlon. Using positive self-talk to told myself over and over again….”You can do this” not sure that I believed my own words.
I have done this triathlon before, the last time I was 2 months pregnant with my second son, that was 11 years ago. Training has been a journey, It is amazing how many bad memories of worthlessness are associated to exercise for me. Running and Biking and Swimming and getting in the best shape of my life to feel like I wasn’t enough.
Wow! It feels like a different lifetime. The race is not unfamiliar to me, but the circumstances are different. Eleven years ago I did that triathlon with a very different mentality. My mentality was to prove that I was good enough, that I was tough. Maybe if I completed it while I was pregnant my husband at the time might actually recognise that I was worth something. That I was strong, that I had value. That I was something! The hours and hours of training I put in. The messages I would tell myself when I ran 6 miles, when I biked over 20 miles, and when I swam 68 laps to make it to that mile, they were sad messages. That if I was just a little faster, a little better, maybe he would love me. Sadly, all my effort seemed to go unnoticed because I didn’t finish in the top 10%. Forget that I finished….it wasn’t good enough.
You see, I wish I could blame it all on him, but the truth is I didn’t think I was lovable. His actions just validated what I already believed.
So this time around I was able to train a little in January. I got off to an okay start, and then my energy started to fizzle. It had to go to a gym because of the cold. I hate gyms….another trigger. It didn’t take long for me to start thinking, “oh well, I tried…I guess there goes my money.” Month after month passed and I couldn’t get myself to train at all. Before I knew it, May had arrived and the end of the school year. I started thinking again about that triathlon and I recognized that the triggers of not finishing would be so much worse that the triggers of exercising, and somehow I pulled it back together. I found a 10 week training schedule online and I jumped in.
Since the beginning of June I have been pushing through triggers and facing sadness. I have had to fight each day through the lies that would flood into my head from my past existence. I have done some numbing here, and numbing there, but I got up almost every morning for my training. I have had days of sadness, and days of joy. My body is not fast, but I have been amazed at how much it remembered from all the running and biking and swimming from before, (I love muscle memory!!!)
I am so proud of me. This was not just a physical challenge for me, most of the battles were taking place in my head. My fight for worthiness. This Saturday I will be in Burley Idaho participating in the SPUDMAN Triathlon. Yep, you heard me the Spudman. I am an Idaho girl, potatoes run through my veins…too bad they don’t make working out easier.
I know I won’t beat my time, but I will finish, and this year I finish for me. I will finish because no matter how slow I am, no matter how imperfect I am. I am worth it.
So are you, it’s time to work on forgetting the lies of our pasts. To counteract the un-truths that we accepted as children. It is time to love our imperfect selves and embrace our humanity so that we can live, love and start the happy journey waiting for us. Worthiness was always ours.
Hopefully I don’t cry the whole way.
PS. Hey Friends, I know it has been awhile since my last post. I have not forgotten you, summer ran away with me.