The journey to healing isn’t an easy one, it is one filled with all kinds of opposition. That opposition can be negative self-talk coming from right inside your own head, It can be from the world telling you that you just aren’t good enough, or it can be from loved ones that don’t like the changes that they see in you because they can’t control you anymore. Don’t forget enemies, there are always a few of those in the mix, they are more than happy to tear you down with untruths. Why would they be happy at the new freedom you have gained. No matter where the opposition is coming from it is a constant force to be reconned with.
Getting knocked off and standing back up
Just when I think I have control of my shame, or when I think I can now handle a hard situation that would have knocked me off of my feet a few years ago, I am humbled by the reality that I still have a long way to go. Sometimes out of the blue a person at the store, at church, or just about anywhere….. will hit a nerve. A new nerve, a raw nerve, one that I haven’t had to deal with before.
Each time I am thankful that trigger and trauma comes in layers and God protects us from having to face all of our dark places at once.
Nomatter where the opposition is coming from you will get knocked off your path. The goal is to get back up and get back on the path. As I started to heal there were many who did not like the changes they saw. They liked the old Norma that was more passive and could be controlled. As I started to find my own independence and started to set boundaries both internal and external I was not the most popular person. I was no longer so easily swayed and I made decisions for me. When given opportunities I started asking myself if doing that would make me happy today. If the answer was no I would kindly decline the offer. Learning to say No was hard, but I wasn’t living for anyone else anymore I was living for me. Saying No has never became easier, I just got tired of the resentment and anger that waited on the other side if I said yes.
Sad to think I gave away my power
When I look back on my life I am sad to admit that for 37 years I didn’t live for myself. I did what others wanted me to do so that they were happy, I did not do what I wanted to do and I was unhappy. I remember several times when my husband wanted me to do one thing and my mother wanted me to do another. I couldn’t do both at the same time and I knew I would disappoint someone. Sometimes I would just sit down and cry because it made me so anxious to let anyone down.
There was a huge peice missing….I didn’t for a second stop and ask myself what I wanted to do. I felt my existance was to please others and when I couldn’t make them happy I was devistated.
I thought that if I did what I wanted to do I was being selfish. I have since learned that doing what I like to do and taking care of myself is not selfish.
Weeding out the bad
As I started changing and started choosing what I wanted for me, many people left my life. Watching people that I genuinly cared about disappear broke my heart. I realized that in most of those situtations I had been the glue holding the relationship together. When I quit giving my all, and expected them to give something in return they were not willing to do any of the work. I then chose to seek out healthier relationships that give and take, not just take. SInce this time other relationships that I had before have blossomed, and I have gained new friends that really do have my back no matter what. It was hard to see people go, but I was not going back to the old Norma.
If you want to be great you must learn not to live your life based on the opinion of others but on your convictions.”
― Dr. Bien Sufficient
Being true to yourself
At the end of the day I am responsible for being true to myself and so are you. I try to avoid negative self-talk, I spend limited time with negative people, (and I only do that when I choose to) and I make sure I take the time to work through the new nerves that get hit as the layers are pulled back. I recognize that there will always be opposition. There will always be someone that tells lies. Someone that projects their misfortune on me. There will always be people that try to color me.
Life with my exhusband was always black and gray. Life for me had lost it’s color. I was broekn. Somewhere on my journey I learned that:
“Kites rise highest against the wind, not with it.”
― Winston S. Churchill
I choose today to live for myself, I choose to push into opposition. After my divorce I bought a bright yellow car. It is my reminder to NEVER live without color again. I am in charge of my color, I decide to work through my stuff, I smile, and I live a life full it. Whatever color I CHOOSE!