Having the Courage to Become What I Want to Be
“It is time for a change, and you love color,” she said.I wanted to listen to her because what she spoke was truth. I do love color, and yet there was a piece inside of me that hesitated. My mind filled with questions.
- “What will people think?”
- “WiIl I be taken seriously?”
- “I am not in my 20’s anymore, this is probably something I should have got out of my system before now.”
- “Will I be able to find a job?”
- “How will people look at me?”
The list went on and on.
It’s almost as if she could hear the flood of thoughts in my head, she gently said, “Well, what about you? What do you want? What would make you happy?”
It is not as if the only resistance came from inside of myself, some of those closest to me clearly let me know that they did not like color. My son said, “Mom, please don’t do it, it will make you weirder than you already are.” (By the way, this one just made me laugh. I smiled at him and told him that he was so lucky to have me as him mother, he smiled too.)
With internal resistance, and external resistance, I realized what maybe I was never able to realize before. In this life I should not be making all of my choices based upon what I think others may think or what I think others might say. If I do that I am living my life based on assumptions, not reality.With a New Years Resolution of learning to put the 4 Agreements into place, and a smile on my face I went to the hairdresser and I added pink, purple, turquoise and navy to my hair and I couldn’t be happier.
In this process I was able to learn a few lessons:
- The voices in my head trying to get me to “Be More Reasonable” Those were not my voice, they were voices of those that have been critical of me in my life. Voices of those that wanted to keep control over my actions.
- I also learned that this was always me, I always wanted to be more daring, I wanted to stand out, I wanted to be seen. But I was never brave enough to settle into who I was before.
- I learned that no one who is a whole person will comment or complain about my hair. It is only those who are struggling, hurting, or lost that feel the need to complain and criticize others.
I can honestly say that so far it has been wonderful. So far I have not seen judgment, or maybe I have just been able to correctly practice the 2nd Agreement, which is to not take things personal. Either way I am happier.
This life should not be about making others happy while forgetting and putting aside what makes us happy. We should not have to tiptoe around because we are afraid of settling into who we want to be. I spent the majority of my life in a battle. A battle that I feel I might be finally winning. That battle was a battle to find myself, and honestly…I am loving the woman that I am becoming.