Letter to FEAR, Sealing My Words

Letter to Fear DEAR FEAR: This past month I have been blinded and afraid to write because of you.  I have been afraid of judgment.  I have wondered if the words I have spoken here will be used against me when it comes to future jobs to my future life.  You did exactly as you were always meant to do….you froze me in time and I quit writing.  I sealed my words up inside of me, I even considered taking down this blog and hoping that all the writings I had sent in for publishing would somehow be lost.  Look…

Blown About Like The Sand in a Breeze

Trauma came and swept me off my feet, unexpectedly I was falling…falling.  That’s how it works, it provides no notice.   I was blindsided.  In slow motion…unable to catch myself.  Dropping slowly through time and as parts of me landed, I was scattered into tiny particles of sand.   I was no longer myself, moved about and blown this way and that way by the smallest breeze. I wanted to gather myself together, but how do you gather so many pieces when they are floating away in all different directions. I wanted be whole again.  THEN REALITY HIT.  I might never…

Learning to Live in the Present

It is peaceful here,  I can hear the birds singing their morning song.  A robin sits on the highest point, looking back and forth in all directions, it must have quite the view. The trees are mostly bare, their skeletons brush against the cloudy sky.  I am surrounded by nature and feel peace as I sit here in the moment. I stare past what is right in front of me and I see snow capped mountains.  They seem so small and yet I know that there is an entire world that lives and breathes right there on that mountain. I…

Betrayal Doesn’t Makes Women Sick, Sick Women are the Ones Who are Betrayed.

Betrayal doesn’t make sick women. Sick women are the ones who are betrayed. An unspoken lie in our society. This is an unspoken lie that many women fall victim to.  Unspoken lies have a significant impact on society, specifically women, and children.  It’s time to uncover and take a look at this lie. In this article the definition that I want to use for the word sick is…. One who is suffering from serious problems, isolated, fearful, not oneself. Our culture doesn’t come out and say this directly, however, it is no secret that this is the lens that many…

Do You Have Trauma?

“He did this to me.”  Even saying those words sucks the air out of the room.  My breathing becomes labored and my heart rate increases.  Sometimes I think back on the memories and I have to ask myself, “Did that really happen to me?”   It seems so unreal.  I can push the horrible memories away so that I can function.  I can hold down a successful career, I can take care of my children.  The days can run fairly normal despite the traumatic history. But Why? The human mind is resilient and powerful.  It has an amazing way of protecting…

The Memories Are Engraved Into My Mind

He sits on the edge of our bed, “She was more beautiful than you are.” My heart sinks! He stands above me pointing at my head as I kneel at the foot of our son, “Leave them here.” I feel fear! He laughs with his friends until I approach, then they all fall silent, “We weren’t talking about anything.”  Their smiles and laughs mock me! He looks me in the eye and makes a promise, “We didn’t go to strippers in Vegas.” I believe him and feel relief! TRUTH…. LIES…..I can’t tell anymore it is all blurry. The memories return…

$200 Was More Important Than My Safety

I was driving about 40 mph down the freeway.  The visibility was low, the wind was angry and gusts hit the side of my little Topaz.  I was nervous I had both my hands steady on the wheel and had slowed down to match the conditions.  The roads were slick in areas and clear in others, drifting snow snuck up onto the freeway, as if it was reaching…it’s finger tips touching the white line.   There were moments where I could see 100 feet in front of me, and a gust would come and I could only see about 10.…

Step 1: Honesty

Honesty…. Honesty…. Honesty, it is something that we expect from ourselves and from others, but talk about painful.  It can be yucky to take a look at ourselves and our behaviors and the character flaws that keep us from becoming the person we want to be.   This year I decided that I really needed to take some time going back over the 12 steps.  I have been through all of the steps, but I feel a little stuck with my trauma and decided to focus on it this time as I work the steps. Step one Step one is all…

My Name is Norma and I have Complex Trauma

It’s almost as if I am standing in front of a 12 step group, finally coming to the realization that I am powerless over my trauma.  I have to admit that lately, it has been kicking my butt.  Triggers are surfacing everywhere, triggers that I didn’t have to deal with when I was single, they all have to do with attachment.  The fight is exhausting and I am worn out, that is why I haven’t written for almost a week. What is Complex Trauma Complex trauma occurs when a person is exposed to highly stressful events over a large span…

Taking a Toll Before Christmas

How is it possible to wake up first thing in the morning and feel completely drained?  That was me this morning.  I am anxious and just my normal day to day tasks seem to be so overwhelming.  Returning an item to a store, taking Christmas gifts to the school for the teachers, making lunch….I’m just tired.  More than usual.  Do you feel worn out? What is going on? On days like today I ask myself….What is going on?  Aha….I’m remembering, The last post that I wrote was yucky.  Thinking back and remembering that horrible Christmas made me so tired.  Trauma…