Never Ending Opportunities for Comparing

For the past two and a half weeks I get up early and I head out to exercise.  I wish I could say that I have such a love for it that I was doing this because I wanted to, but that would be a lie.  I set a goal for myself to finish another triathlon and the date is quickly approaching.  So I get up and I head out early to check it off for the day.  I found a good training guide and I am attempting to follow it. There is one problem I really have no guage…

You Hold the Key & the Magic, to Your Healing

1 Corinthians 10:13 There hath no temptation taken you but such as is common to man: but God is faithful, who will not suffer you to be tempted above that ye are able; but will with the temptation also make a way to escape, that ye may be able to bear it. I can’t tell you the number of times I have looked at this scripture and wondered if it applied to me.  In 2013 when life flipped upside down I was stretched farther than I had the strength to bear.  I would fall to my knees begging and pleading…

Powerless, Lost, Broken…. then a tiny spark

Have you ever been in a situation where you felt stuck?  Paralysed?  Unable to move forward or backward?  Fear finding its way deep inside of you. For years after my sin my husband held power over me, 10 years to be exact.  A power that made me feel so petrified that I stayed far longer than I should have.  The fear of everyone knowing kept me quiet, frozen, and determined.  Determined to serve him to make a penitence for what I had done. Powerlessness consumed me…. until somewhere deep inside of me I would become angry for his treatment.  A…

Comparison, Will I Ever Believe That I Am Enough?

I watched the college girls walk past me with their short shirt dresses.  Their laughter filling the corridor as they headed to the event.  They blew past me, not acknowledging my existence.   As they headed up the stairs I was shocked at the fact that their hind ends were almost hanging out from beneath the flowing bottom edge of the material.  “Now that is short.”  I thought to myself.  I looked down at my sweater and floor length maxi skirt.  I tried to fight the thoughts, but the message is embedded deep inside of me, the realization that ‘I…

I Lost Control…Here Comes the Shame

I flipped him off!  I lost control of myself and for the first time in my life I did it.  The shame hit me as soon as my finger went up, but it was too late to take it back.  He wouldn’t back off and he woke my lion. (Here is a link to the post about my Lion if you haven’t read it.) I was so disappointed with myself, there is nothing worse than when I betray myself and who I want to be.  I never want to lose control of myself to the point where I am reactive…

I’m Not Just A Girl

I was happy to see him pull up to the house.  He had moved out a little over 2 weeks ago.  After 17 years of marriage, I missed him terribly.  I was nervous, I didn’t know what to expect, so unsure of myself anymore and where I stood with him.  My breathing was shallow…. I was afraid of making the wrong move….as if it could get worst.  He told me that he wanted to move back in, relief flooded into my empty heart, I took a deep breath and smiles.  Maybe everything would be okay. Relief flooded into my empty…

Handling Disappointment Without Foreboding Joy

I am more than a little bit annoyed this morning.  This is not what I was planning on writing about, but sometimes I don’t find my topics, they find me.  The truth is that I am not always good at handling disappointment without wanting to just give up on excitement and start foreboding joy.  I hate the yucky feeling that disappointment brings.  It is a seeping feeling that can just drain all of the energy out of me. There are few things that are more frustrating or shaming to me than when I get an idea that brings me excitement…

She Became A Trigger, I Built A Wall

I saw her walk toward us.  She was so beautiful, but I had no idea who she was until he said, “Amy”, with admiration in his voice.  I looked up at him, his smile told a story and fear reached into me. “No, this can not be happening to me,” I thought.  I was having a hard time breathing, and my face was hot.  I was speechless and I wanted to burst into tears.  Was this “the Amy”?  The one that he always talked about from high school with longing in his voice.  The one that he adored? I looked…

Part 2: Breaking Through Denial

Don’t let denial be a roadblock Remember denial is a coping mechanism that we use to protect ourselves.  You need to be aware that coming out of denial can be very painful.  I had a therapist that I was working with when I was coming out of denial.  She was able to help me process the information and keep me sain.  If you don’t already have one, you may want to seek out a counselor to help you through this.There are 10 forms of denial that I feel warrant discussion.  It is important to recognize that most people use different…

The Day I Had to be Checked for an STD

My head is spinning and my chest hurts.  I don’t want to be here.  I can’t believe that I am here.  I for sure never saw this in my future.  I look around teh large office.  It is spacious, I want to nestle myself in a corner, to hide myself, but the lay-out doesn’t permit it.  The office is quiet, there are few others to fill up the space.  The smell of the antiseptic makes me ill as I wait. “I shouldn’t have to do this.” I tell myself. I am so unsettled, I don’t think there is any betrayal…