Do you ever feel like you are drowning?

I can’t feel the bottom, I have no idea how deep the water is.  My chest constricts making it difficult to breathe.  I flip over on my back and reach my lips towards the sky above me to get more air.  I feel like I am suffocating.  I talk to myself, “you are okay!”  “You have enough air, float for a minute, catch your breath”.  The water is dirty and has a distinct smell of fish, I begin to realize that I have no idea what is in the water with me. “Stop thinking, I tell myself…just breathe, relax, focus.”…

Never Ending Opportunities for Comparing

For the past two and a half weeks I get up early and I head out to exercise.  I wish I could say that I have such a love for it that I was doing this because I wanted to, but that would be a lie.  I set a goal for myself to finish another triathlon and the date is quickly approaching.  So I get up and I head out early to check it off for the day.  I found a good training guide and I am attempting to follow it. There is one problem I really have no guage…

Zig Zag Down the Trail

It had been raining all morning.  I had planned a Mt. bike ride with my son, but knowing that the trails would be muddy set me on a different course.  Swimming didn’t sound fun in the rain, then my husband reminded me that I could go to the gym to get my workout in.  Can I just say that I hate the gym for multiple reasons.  Running or biking in place bores me to death, and the air, don’t get me even started on the thick stifling air.  On top of all of that gyms are so triggering for me…

Creation of an Addict

How do you turn a newborn baby so innocent and perfect with infinite promise and hope for the future into twenty-eight-year-old abusive sex addict?  or a thirty-year-old-homeless-drunk?  or a forty-year-old woman who is so fearful of betrayal and abandonment that she struggles with attachment? You add Trauma! I remember when I was gently prompted by God, My Higher Power,  to go and see an EMDR therapist.   I had heard of trauma, mainly as a medical term used to discuss a severe blow to the head, or an deep abrasion.  When someone mentioned a trauma survivor I might think of someone…

Accepting Love

I walked through the halls, girls smiling from ear to ear, arms filled with chocolates, roses, and balloons.  They reached out and hugged the boys who had remembered them on Valentine’s.  Each year I secretly hoped that someone might admire me, and each year I was left empty handed. I think this was the beginning of my feeling of having to be something special to be admired, and I saw myself as quite plain. Flip forward to college, I walked into my room after being in classes all morning.  I smile, and get a giddy feeling, he remembered me.  A…

Where Is Hope?

I was excited for last week.   I have been really struggling with HOPE, and when I started…I kept thinking.  I’ve got this.  I’m going to spend all week researching conference articles, TED Talks, and uplifting stories, and I will find Hope.  Then I looked up today and recognized that last week passed me by.  Last week I did not find one article on hope….I was feeling such despair and I have been in struggle. I am going to give myself a little break and a bunch of self-compassion because last week was busy.  My children got out of school early…

Step 2: HOPE

In step one I recognized that my trauma makes life unmanageable.  My thoughts and my behavior negatively impact my spiritual, physical, and emotional health.  In step 2 we come to believe that God has the power to heal and restore us. There is only one problem, I believe without any doubt that God has the power to restore all of us, and I believe that he loves you and he will heal you. Now for the yucky, HONEST, moment…..  (pause) I don’t always believe that God will heal me or restore me.  Somewhere deep down I believe that if God…

How to Become Honest with Ourselves

Okay, let’s just admit it, getting honest with ourselves is painful.   I look back to when I was married (round 1) and I hate to admit, but I blamed a lot.  I blamed him for my unhappiness. “Blame is the discharging of discomfort and pain”. ~Brene Brown I really believed that if he would quit looking at other women, that if he would just love me, I would be gloriously happy.  The shocking part happened when my ex-husband was no longer around for me to blame and I had to take an honest look at myself.  To this day…

Reduced to Nothing But Soul

There were so many days and so many nights when I held on for dear life.  It seemed that if I breathed wrong everything that I ever loved and ever wanted would slip through my fingers and I would be lost.  Lost without a purpose with no hope of finding home. So many dark days when I wandered aimlessly looking for something to save me, something or someone that could make my pain stop.  I would throw myself into novels that took me far away to a different world, anything to escape the pain that was my existence.  If the…

Fast Forward

Tears, many nights have soaked my pillow, Sleep, wanting to fall into it and never wake up. Pain, deep and dark enough to stop my heart. Crying, “God, please make it stop.” Thoughts, will I implode from this anxiety. Pleading, “Please change his heart.” Wishing, that this wasn’t my life. Hoping, that you hear me. Tears, thanking God for the opportunity to help others. Sleep, deep and nurturing, rejuvenates me Pain, still visits to remind me of where I have been. Crying, “Thank you God.” Thoughts, He is taking my suffering and making it good. Pleading. that he will show…