Zig Zag Down the Trail

It had been raining all morning.  I had planned a Mt. bike ride with my son, but knowing that the trails would be muddy set me on a different course.  Swimming didn’t sound fun in the rain, then my husband reminded me that I could go to the gym to get my workout in.  Can I just say that I hate the gym for multiple reasons.  Running or biking in place bores me to death, and the air, don’t get me even started on the thick stifling air.  On top of all of that gyms are so triggering for me…

How to Become Honest with Ourselves

Okay, let’s just admit it, getting honest with ourselves is painful.   I look back to when I was married (round 1) and I hate to admit, but I blamed a lot.  I blamed him for my unhappiness. “Blame is the discharging of discomfort and pain”. ~Brene Brown I really believed that if he would quit looking at other women, that if he would just love me, I would be gloriously happy.  The shocking part happened when my ex-husband was no longer around for me to blame and I had to take an honest look at myself.  To this day…

Will You Accept my Offering?

“Why can’t I do this right?” “What is it that you want from me?” “I try, I really try, will you accept my offering?” Lately, I have been plagued with feelings that I am not doing this right.  Wondering if what I have to offer is what God is looking for.  Each day he gently reminds me that my job is to keep writing, so I write. I wonder if sharing my darkness and trauma is what he wants from me, or should I just share the moments of light and hope?  He gently reminds me to just keep writing.…

People of Opinion, and People of Action

I was helping with the cub scouts yesterday when I saw a call come in from work.  I excused myself, I was expecting the call and knew the answers to the questions that would be asked.  My co-worker said, has anyone called you, I said, “Yes, I have been on the phone a bit this afternoon and know exactly what needs to be changed.  I can tell you and then you can get it in the mail.”  She said, “No, Norma…..Joe passed away a couple of hours ago.” What do you say when you lose an angel? I didn’t really…

I Don’t Believe You!

“It doesn’t matter what you say, or what you do, I don’t believe you!”  I didn’t say it in anger.  I said it because deep inside I know it is true.  Until I believe it and until I know it in the depths of my soul, my brain will always have a little ounce of doubt. Then, he asked a question that would bring me tons of shame.  “Does it make you feel better when you push me away?” Ouch, now that hurt….I sank into the deeper thoughts of my mind.  “Is that what I was doing?” I asked myself. …

Can You Keep Your Kids From Getting An Addiction?

I sat in her office, head down and shoulders slumped. “Too many similarities,” she said.  My mind was swimming.  My counselor had extensive experience working in an addiction recovery program.  I looked at her, I had only found evidence a handful of times.  “Could he really have a sex addiction?” I asked myself.  I trusted her, but stepping out of denial was hard.   Recognizing that my husband had a sex addiction was devastating. Denial allowed me to feel safe.At the time it kept me from what I believed to be a reality and that was that it was my…

If Only I Was Different

Sometimes I wake up in the morning and I wish that I was ‘Just Different’ I wish that I could always say the right things so that I wouldn’t hurt people.  I wish that all my suffering was gone and that triggers and trauma didn’t exist.  I wish that I could save my children from suffering.  I wish…I wish….I wish! With tears pouring down my face this morning I wish that life wasn’t so hard, and I wish that I loved all of my faults and imperfections.  I wish that 100% of the time I loved me. The truth….sometimes I…

Angels Among Us

As a little girl, I believed that an Angel was a heavenly creature sent to us by God to help in times of need.  I had an image in my mind of a youthful person dressed all in white with wings and a halo. I believed that they existed, but never imagined that I would become friends with one.  That one would stand in my midst that I could touch with my own hands and be blessed by.  My definition of an angel expanded during my divorce and now has more meaning. Angel: A heavenly guardian, ministering spirit, or messenger.…

CAN YOUR ROOTS SURVIVE THE STORM?

Recently we had a storm.   Wind gusts up to 91 mph made the house creak and the windows rattle.  It was so noisy that I didn’t sleep well, the storm continued through the night and into the next day.  Early Sunday morning as I looked out a large window to the west of my house I noticed that the wind had uprooted one of our large shade trees.  I also noticed the grass around another tree moved up and down as wind tossed the branches and limbs causing stress on the roots of the tree.   I thought for sure we…