Do you ever feel like you are drowning?

I can’t feel the bottom, I have no idea how deep the water is.  My chest constricts making it difficult to breathe.  I flip over on my back and reach my lips towards the sky above me to get more air.  I feel like I am suffocating.  I talk to myself, “you are okay!”  “You have enough air, float for a minute, catch your breath”.  The water is dirty and has a distinct smell of fish, I begin to realize that I have no idea what is in the water with me. “Stop thinking, I tell myself…just breathe, relax, focus.”…

Glass and a Hike to Reconnect with My Maker

Years ago I believed that being angry with God was pretty purposeless.  Why would I yell at the one person that I truly believed could make things better?   My beliefs even went so far as to think that if I was angry at God he would likely punish me, and then I would surely forgo the things that I needed from him.   I would cry, I would plead, but I refused to get angry. My life had been unraveling for quite some time, but I had finally reached the point of no return.  The point where I knew things…

Satan’s Lies

Midnight had long since passed.  I sat on the floor my legs curled up in front of me.  So tired, and yet unable to sleep.  The silence of the night making me nervous, the tick of the clock in the distance keeping time for the unknown.  I had no idea where he was, what he was doing, or when he would be home.  I was confused, not knowing whether to be nervous or mad yet feeling both emotions strongly.  He was out drinking with his friends again.  I was home alone, I was afraid of being alone and he didn’t…

Step 3: Trust

What?  You want me to trust?  Wow!  Hmmmm!  This is a tough one for me.  I can think of about two people in this whole world that I would trust anything with.  TWO! When I found this picture…it really spoke to me.  I get anxious looking at it.  I guess that is what happens when the person that was suppose to pull you up let go.  (Deep Breath) To say I have trust issues is a bit of an understatement.  Even the thought of trusting someone makes me feel anxious.  The people that I was supposed to trust, the people…

Where Is Hope?

I was excited for last week.   I have been really struggling with HOPE, and when I started…I kept thinking.  I’ve got this.  I’m going to spend all week researching conference articles, TED Talks, and uplifting stories, and I will find Hope.  Then I looked up today and recognized that last week passed me by.  Last week I did not find one article on hope….I was feeling such despair and I have been in struggle. I am going to give myself a little break and a bunch of self-compassion because last week was busy.  My children got out of school early…

Step 2: HOPE

In step one I recognized that my trauma makes life unmanageable.  My thoughts and my behavior negatively impact my spiritual, physical, and emotional health.  In step 2 we come to believe that God has the power to heal and restore us. There is only one problem, I believe without any doubt that God has the power to restore all of us, and I believe that he loves you and he will heal you. Now for the yucky, HONEST, moment…..  (pause) I don’t always believe that God will heal me or restore me.  Somewhere deep down I believe that if God…

Taking a Toll Before Christmas

How is it possible to wake up first thing in the morning and feel completely drained?  That was me this morning.  I am anxious and just my normal day to day tasks seem to be so overwhelming.  Returning an item to a store, taking Christmas gifts to the school for the teachers, making lunch….I’m just tired.  More than usual.  Do you feel worn out? What is going on? On days like today I ask myself….What is going on?  Aha….I’m remembering, The last post that I wrote was yucky.  Thinking back and remembering that horrible Christmas made me so tired.  Trauma…

Fortress by the Sea, Guarded by Dragons

“The waves beat against the rocks, the noise is mesmerizing.  Below me is a 100-foot cliff that drops into the ocean,  a fine mist drifts up to where I stand.  I feel safe here, all alone by the cliff.  No one can reach me unless I let them, and today I would rather exist alone.  I turn away from the ocean and I can see the fortress that is protecting me from the other direction.  The walls are 50 feet tall, reinforced with steel.  Glass shards stick out….. up and down the walls discouraging anyone from trying to climb.  If…

Reduced to Nothing But Soul

There were so many days and so many nights when I held on for dear life.  It seemed that if I breathed wrong everything that I ever loved and ever wanted would slip through my fingers and I would be lost.  Lost without a purpose with no hope of finding home. So many dark days when I wandered aimlessly looking for something to save me, something or someone that could make my pain stop.  I would throw myself into novels that took me far away to a different world, anything to escape the pain that was my existence.  If the…

Fast Forward

Tears, many nights have soaked my pillow, Sleep, wanting to fall into it and never wake up. Pain, deep and dark enough to stop my heart. Crying, “God, please make it stop.” Thoughts, will I implode from this anxiety. Pleading, “Please change his heart.” Wishing, that this wasn’t my life. Hoping, that you hear me. Tears, thanking God for the opportunity to help others. Sleep, deep and nurturing, rejuvenates me Pain, still visits to remind me of where I have been. Crying, “Thank you God.” Thoughts, He is taking my suffering and making it good. Pleading. that he will show…