Do you ever feel like you are drowning?

I can’t feel the bottom, I have no idea how deep the water is.  My chest constricts making it difficult to breathe.  I flip over on my back and reach my lips towards the sky above me to get more air.  I feel like I am suffocating.  I talk to myself, “you are okay!”  “You have enough air, float for a minute, catch your breath”.  The water is dirty and has a distinct smell of fish, I begin to realize that I have no idea what is in the water with me. “Stop thinking, I tell myself…just breathe, relax, focus.”…

A Letter: To All The Women Who Had An Affair With My Husband

Dear ___________: When I first found out about you, my heart broke. Why would you sleep with my husband? Was it because of lies that he told you about me?  Did he play a victim?  What could he have possibly told you that made you forget that I was a person?  How did he change me from a real living, breathing, human being with feelings….. to an object?  An object that you cast aside, an object that you didn’t feel you should respect? A Glimpse of You I think of the many times that I wanted to go to your…

Part 3: My Sin, Telling My Friend About My Betrayal

“Hello,’ she answered the phone.  My heart skipped a beat at the sound of her voice.  It felt like my chest was compressed and it was difficult to breathe. “Hey, this is Norma.”  I forced out of my mouth. Her cheery voice welcomed my call.  “How are you doing?” she asked.  I’m sure I responded with fine, but I was not fine.  I was dying.  She had no idea what I was about to drop on her.  My heart raced as I listened to her talk. My negative shaming thoughts took over….I wanted more than anything to run.  I wanted…

How to Forgive When There is No Apology

Have you ever been hurt by someone else’s choices?  Someone who refused to take accountability for what they had done.  Amazed by the fact that they could walk away with no remorse. As if nothing happened.  Has the anger of not forgiving started to consume you? Do you want to be free from that burden? Has the anger of not forgiving started to consume you? Do you want to be free from that burden? During my first marriage, there was a lot of pain. I have no doubt that there was pain on both sides. The old adage that “hurt…

Driven Upon my Knees

I came across one of my favorite quotes during an especially vulnerable time during my divorce.  The quote is by Abraham Lincoln and was exactly what I was feeling: “I have been driven many times upon my knees by the overwhelming conviction that I had no where else to go.” I had tried everything within my power to make my marriage better.  I had read self help books and tried idea after idea for 18 years to improve my situation.  I had been in the rat race to make myself better the entire time.  I was sure that I could…

Letter of Acceptance

This is the last letter that I wrote.  It is my letter of acceptance.  These four letters helped me work through the grieving process of losing my husband.  Each played a very significant part in my healing.  I found that underneath the anger I was in so much pain.  I really loved him with all of my heart.  Hopefully this letter will portray that to you. Ex-husband, I’m not happy about this, but I do accept your choice.  I wish it could be different.  I pray and hope that God will lead you down a path that will bring you…

Letter of Appreciation

While in counseling I was invited to write 4 letters to my former husband: a letter of anger, sadness, appreciation, and acceptance. This is the letter of appreciation and shows my gratitude for what we shared together.   This letter is in it’s original form without changes, again my thoughts are scattered. This letter was written in 2014.   Dear Ex-husband, I’m so thankful for the 19 years you gave me. I’m thankful for our three beautiful boys that I adore.  I’m so thankful you haven’t stepped out of their lives, they need you. I’m thankful for the good memories, for…