Letter to FEAR, Sealing My Words

Letter to Fear DEAR FEAR: This past month I have been blinded and afraid to write because of you.  I have been afraid of judgment.  I have wondered if the words I have spoken here will be used against me when it comes to future jobs to my future life.  You did exactly as you were always meant to do….you froze me in time and I quit writing.  I sealed my words up inside of me, I even considered taking down this blog and hoping that all the writings I had sent in for publishing would somehow be lost.  Look…

Satan’s Lies

Midnight had long since passed.  I sat on the floor my legs curled up in front of me.  So tired, and yet unable to sleep.  The silence of the night making me nervous, the tick of the clock in the distance keeping time for the unknown.  I had no idea where he was, what he was doing, or when he would be home.  I was confused, not knowing whether to be nervous or mad yet feeling both emotions strongly.  He was out drinking with his friends again.  I was home alone, I was afraid of being alone and he didn’t…

Powerless, Lost, Broken…. then a tiny spark

Have you ever been in a situation where you felt stuck?  Paralysed?  Unable to move forward or backward?  Fear finding its way deep inside of you. For years after my sin my husband held power over me, 10 years to be exact.  A power that made me feel so petrified that I stayed far longer than I should have.  The fear of everyone knowing kept me quiet, frozen, and determined.  Determined to serve him to make a penitence for what I had done. Powerlessness consumed me…. until somewhere deep inside of me I would become angry for his treatment.  A…

I took a big breath, held it, closed my eyes, and I jumped. Trying to Do The Will of God!

“I claim no right to myself, no right to this understanding, this will, these affections that are in me…… I have given myself clear away (to God) and not retained anything of my own.” ~Jonathan Edwards Over and over again I find this quote to be true.  If I really want to be a servant of God and I want him to guide my path I have to submit myself over to his will.  Honestly, so many times he guides me to things that I am afraid of.  Writing this blog was one of those things, the Butterfly Effect is…

My Sin was a Secret Until My Husband Outed me to Everyone: He started with his mother.

I was standing in my in-laws kitchen when it all came into the light. She told me that she thought he was losing it, she smiled, “He has been sending me crazy messages about you.” She stood over the kitchen sink preparing dinner and I froze. She continued….. “grab my phone over there, you’ll see.” In that moment time slowed down. The air around me grew thick and my thoughts were jumbled. I was tongue-tied. I knew exactly what she was talking about. He wouldn’t, I thought to myself. I felt the weight on my chest…. air, I needed air.…

Living Safe, or Living Seen

Blend in! Don’t be seen! Stay in the safe zone! My unspoken goal for most of my life has been just that. Ironically it was not what I wanted….more than anything I wanted to be important to someone, I wanted to be seen.  I envied all the people who were leaders.  Those people who could get up in front of a crowd and make people laugh.  Those people who were brave enough to share their talents and were publicly acknowledged, oh how I longed to be them. Living Safe BUT, when you are born a wallflower when you are born…

I Don’t Need Anyone

My husband had dropped me off early in the morning for my surgery.  My knee had been bothering me for a couple of years.  Who would have guessed that when I ran that half marathon my meniscus would break in half.  The good news was that it had flipped outside of the knee cap and they were going to be able to sew it back together. I was anxious, I wanted him by my side, to hold my hand and be my advocate if anything went wrong, but he didn’t want to come.  It hurt me to know that.  I…

Comparison, Will I Ever Believe That I Am Enough?

I watched the college girls walk past me with their short shirt dresses.  Their laughter filling the corridor as they headed to the event.  They blew past me, not acknowledging my existence.   As they headed up the stairs I was shocked at the fact that their hind ends were almost hanging out from beneath the flowing bottom edge of the material.  “Now that is short.”  I thought to myself.  I looked down at my sweater and floor length maxi skirt.  I tried to fight the thoughts, but the message is embedded deep inside of me, the realization that ‘I…

Knocked Down, Wall Up: Trauma

I lay on the ground looking up at the blue sky.  Unaware of what just happened to me.  My body struggling to breathe as the air was knocked out of me by the hard fall.  My body hurt, soul hurt, brain confused, a deep reminder of how broken I am.  The wall went up and my heart shut down. Getting knocked Down Last week I was knocked down, harder than I have been in quite some time.  I had three major trauma responses back to back and I was left in the dirt wondering what had just happened to me.…

Part 1: Denial, Alcohol and Women

I was worried, 11:00 turned into midnight, then 1:00.  I wrung my hands as I waited.  My shoulders felt heavy and my brain was flooded with ‘what ifs’. What if he wasn’t coming back?  What if he was hurt? What if he was with another woman? He was mad when he left, but I didn’t think that he would be gone this long.   I was tired, but my brain was spinning and my insides churning, unable to sleep.  I prayed, trying to keep myself calm, the silence itself made me nervous, it was thick and heavy.  Did I just hear…