God Will Provide the Way

I sat in my bed tears pouring down my face when I first heard of her death.  It is amazing how quickly the brain tries to protect itself from hard information.   I felt panic, but the first thing I did was check the news.  Just like that, I fell into denial.  This could not be happening.  When the news had no report next I went to Facebook.  (Don’t ask me why.  In desperation, I wanted to see a post saying that it didn’t happen, that she did not take her life.  I loved her so much. Did she know…

You Hold the Key & the Magic, to Your Healing

1 Corinthians 10:13 There hath no temptation taken you but such as is common to man: but God is faithful, who will not suffer you to be tempted above that ye are able; but will with the temptation also make a way to escape, that ye may be able to bear it. I can’t tell you the number of times I have looked at this scripture and wondered if it applied to me.  In 2013 when life flipped upside down I was stretched farther than I had the strength to bear.  I would fall to my knees begging and pleading…

Reduced to Nothing But Soul

There were so many days and so many nights when I held on for dear life.  It seemed that if I breathed wrong everything that I ever loved and ever wanted would slip through my fingers and I would be lost.  Lost without a purpose with no hope of finding home. So many dark days when I wandered aimlessly looking for something to save me, something or someone that could make my pain stop.  I would throw myself into novels that took me far away to a different world, anything to escape the pain that was my existence.  If the…

Why is Life So Hard?

“Mom, why is life so hard”? My 9-year-old son asked.  I have to admit it was almost like my heart skipped a beat.  My brain went into worry mode, what is going on in this little boys life that he would come to me with this question.  Although my thoughts and my insides were a bit jumbled and I was taken aback, I took a deep breath and said, “Life is hard….isn’t it.”  In the calmest voice I could muster…..with little reaction.  Then I said the first thing that came to my mind, “I don’t know!, I’m sorry you are…

Letting Go of the Life I Dreamed Of…Embracing the One I Have

I look back to days gone by, I look back to being a small girl with a dream…. Maybe it was a dream of castles and a prince that would come to my rescue.  Disney cartoons used to do that….the prince coming to rescue the damsel in distress.  At the same time….I knew that I was never pretty enough or skinny enough for the prince to really want me.  Funny how it didn’t take away the hope.  Hope that someone would come and love me so much that I would have my happily ever after. First Mistake The first mistake…

His Addiction Changed Me

When I was younger I had a fire for life.  I remember that I wanted to play in multiple sports, I wanted to be a pianist and a drummer,  I wanted to be a cheerleader and dancer,  every type of dance you can imagine.  I had a flame inside of me.  My parents had to reign me in so many times, their finances didn’t permit me being involved in everything.  I had a passion for life and the world around me seemed like it was my playground to explore.  My parents were always encouraging and told me that whatever I…

If Only I Was Different

Sometimes I wake up in the morning and I wish that I was ‘Just Different’ I wish that I could always say the right things so that I wouldn’t hurt people.  I wish that all my suffering was gone and that triggers and trauma didn’t exist.  I wish that I could save my children from suffering.  I wish…I wish….I wish! With tears pouring down my face this morning I wish that life wasn’t so hard, and I wish that I loved all of my faults and imperfections.  I wish that 100% of the time I loved me. The truth….sometimes I…

Part 4: My Sin, Working Through My Shame & Helping Others

Starting in the fall of 2007 until the summer of 2013 this sin-plagued me.  No matter how much I tried to put it behind me it kept resurfacing with a vengeance.   I thought that I had forgiven myself, but each time my husband used it against me to keep me quiet the same yucky feeling would wash over me and I would remember that I was bad and not good enough.  It took me down at the knees so many times.  I tried to leave it behind; my husband wouldn’t let me, I wouldn’t let me. Stupid, worthless, and bad!…

Handing Your Will Over to God

I remember the day I did it.  The day I reached over and tagged my partner in the tag team wrestling match.  I was tired, I had been digging deep and fighting with everything that I had for months, for years.  I was determined to win, and I wanted to win my way. I always knew my partner was the stronger member of our team, and I knew he would win it for us, but when he takes over the match becomes unpredictable.  I was afraid of that! I didn’t want to tag him, and I did want to all…

JUST WHEN I THOUGHT LIFE WOULD GET EASY

I used to rock climb, hike, and backpack a lot.  Almost every weekend you would find me at The City of Rocks, or the Grand Tetons. I remember many times when I was nearing the top of a peak.  I would be so excited.  I was tired and ready for a break, water, and an energy snack.  The sights were amazing…being able to see everything on all sides of me for miles and miles.  Breathtaking! There was one thing that I didn’t like about climbing mountains and that was when we would run into a false summit.  Let me explain,…