Stolen the Heart from Inside you

I sat up in bed, my hair frizzy, my back hurting.  I leaned forward to stretch and listened for the sound of my little boys.  Just to remember that they are with their dad for fall break.  I reached over and grabbed my phone.  A text message from a friend, I smiled excited to find out what she was messaging about.  I clicked on the button and the smile quickly turned into confusion.  Tears filled my eyes….  A dear friend…dead.  What?  My brain became a little foggy and almost immediately it went into denial.  My first thought, this is a…

Powerless, Lost, Broken…. then a tiny spark

Have you ever been in a situation where you felt stuck?  Paralysed?  Unable to move forward or backward?  Fear finding its way deep inside of you. For years after my sin my husband held power over me, 10 years to be exact.  A power that made me feel so petrified that I stayed far longer than I should have.  The fear of everyone knowing kept me quiet, frozen, and determined.  Determined to serve him to make a penitence for what I had done. Powerlessness consumed me…. until somewhere deep inside of me I would become angry for his treatment.  A…

$200 Was More Important Than My Safety

I was driving about 40 mph down the freeway.  The visibility was low, the wind was angry and gusts hit the side of my little Topaz.  I was nervous I had both my hands steady on the wheel and had slowed down to match the conditions.  The roads were slick in areas and clear in others, drifting snow snuck up onto the freeway, as if it was reaching…it’s finger tips touching the white line.   There were moments where I could see 100 feet in front of me, and a gust would come and I could only see about 10.…

Forgotten on Christmas

I knew he was mad at me, after all I had made the biggest mistake of my life.  His silence was painful, day after day leading up to Christmas …..life was empty, no adult voices.   Messages of how worthless I was to him and how much he despised me filled the quiet rooms.  I was hurting deeper than I had ever hurt before and I felt so helpless.  I tried to apologize, I tried to serve him, but nothing I could say or do could fix this.  I was so alone. It was Christmas day 2007, we had come down…

Reduced to Nothing But Soul

There were so many days and so many nights when I held on for dear life.  It seemed that if I breathed wrong everything that I ever loved and ever wanted would slip through my fingers and I would be lost.  Lost without a purpose with no hope of finding home. So many dark days when I wandered aimlessly looking for something to save me, something or someone that could make my pain stop.  I would throw myself into novels that took me far away to a different world, anything to escape the pain that was my existence.  If the…

God, Please Help Me!

I rocked myself back and forth, back and forth, telling myself I was okay, but I didn’t feel okay.  Trying to remind myself that there was no immediate threat, but feeling so threatened.  The pain from the inside was taking over my body.  “Deep breaths Norma, deep breaths ….calm,” I told myself.  I hurt everywhere and the tears kept coming!  Deep down I wanted to flip a switch and quit feeling.  The trauma wanting to take over, but my soul willing me to stay online. Just like that, I looked up, “Fine, it is all my fault, I take full…

I took a big breath, held it, closed my eyes, and I jumped. Trying to Do The Will of God!

“I claim no right to myself, no right to this understanding, this will, these affections that are in me…… I have given myself clear away (to God) and not retained anything of my own.” ~Jonathan Edwards Over and over again I find this quote to be true.  If I really want to be a servant of God and I want him to guide my path I have to submit myself over to his will.  Honestly, so many times he guides me to things that I am afraid of.  Writing this blog was one of those things, the Butterfly Effect is…

Running on Empty

No!  This can not be happening.  I pushed on the gas pedal over and over as my car started coasting.  I looked up to see the gas gauge blinking on empty.  Ahhhhhh!  Where was the warning?  I get almost 50 miles to the gallon, I had to have been running on low for quite some time……. how had I not noticed?  Running out of gas in my brand new car….how glorious.  On the freeway of all places and with a friend in the passenger seat.  Thank heavens it was a trusted friend that I love, we both started laughing.  Luckily…

Knocked Down, Wall Up: Trauma

I lay on the ground looking up at the blue sky.  Unaware of what just happened to me.  My body struggling to breathe as the air was knocked out of me by the hard fall.  My body hurt, soul hurt, brain confused, a deep reminder of how broken I am.  The wall went up and my heart shut down. Getting knocked Down Last week I was knocked down, harder than I have been in quite some time.  I had three major trauma responses back to back and I was left in the dirt wondering what had just happened to me.…

“I’m Married to a Psycho Who Won’t Divorce Me,” He said.

“If you go to Jackson Hole to meet that girl this weekend you will be starting a new relationship with a lie,”  I asked him to choose differently.  He replied, “I’ll just tell her that I am married to a psycho who won’t divorce me.”  Wow!  Pain….Pain….Pain…. that hurt.  I lowered my voice, a rush of defeat coming over me.  “One day she will meet me and she will know that I am not a psycho.” “What makes you think I would ever introduce you?  Who says I will ever remarry.” The conversation tapered off.  My heart hurt as he…