Path to the Heart

This world is full of broken hearts, during the course of your life you will have one or many.  It is unavoidable.  Either we put our hearts out into the world to be broken, or we seal them up behind walls of stone and they still break.  Each individual will experience heartbreak for various reasons that are distinct and individual.  What breaks one heart will not harm another the reasons are varied.  We do know that a break may be followed by intense feelings of loss and depression.  Some experience chest pain and stomach aches, while others overeat to numb…

Glass and a Hike to Reconnect with My Maker

Years ago I believed that being angry with God was pretty purposeless.  Why would I yell at the one person that I truly believed could make things better?   My beliefs even went so far as to think that if I was angry at God he would likely punish me, and then I would surely forgo the things that I needed from him.   I would cry, I would plead, but I refused to get angry. My life had been unraveling for quite some time, but I had finally reached the point of no return.  The point where I knew things…

Fortress by the Sea, Guarded by Dragons

“The waves beat against the rocks, the noise is mesmerizing.  Below me is a 100-foot cliff that drops into the ocean,  a fine mist drifts up to where I stand.  I feel safe here, all alone by the cliff.  No one can reach me unless I let them, and today I would rather exist alone.  I turn away from the ocean and I can see the fortress that is protecting me from the other direction.  The walls are 50 feet tall, reinforced with steel.  Glass shards stick out….. up and down the walls discouraging anyone from trying to climb.  If…

Betrayed Women & What We Need From The New Men in Our Lives

“A wounded woman in trauma is like a lion who has been backed in the corner.  When she is triggered she will come out with all shes got to save herself.” ~Norma Zaugg  rootstoholdme.com It takes an amazing man to see a wounded woman and take her in and choose to love her.  It will be one of the most difficult things that you do, but the rewards are great and they can be endless. This post is for all you men out there that are married to women who have been deeply wounded by betrayal. I think any woman…

I Don’t Need Anyone

My husband had dropped me off early in the morning for my surgery.  My knee had been bothering me for a couple of years.  Who would have guessed that when I ran that half marathon my meniscus would break in half.  The good news was that it had flipped outside of the knee cap and they were going to be able to sew it back together. I was anxious, I wanted him by my side, to hold my hand and be my advocate if anything went wrong, but he didn’t want to come.  It hurt me to know that.  I…

Suffering is Universal

I rolled down the windows and let the fresh air rush inside.  The heat of summer was finally retreating, the air conditioner no longer needed for comfort.  The cool refreshing air hit my face and I took a deep breath, happy to be getting closer to home.  I was driving up through a middle-class neighborhood, my neighborhood.  I smiled as I saw kids laughing and playing in one yard, an older man watering plants in the next.  I heard the hum of a lawn mower off in the distance soon to be silenced by winter. The yards mowed and the…

“I’m Married to a Psycho Who Won’t Divorce Me,” He said.

“If you go to Jackson Hole to meet that girl this weekend you will be starting a new relationship with a lie,”  I asked him to choose differently.  He replied, “I’ll just tell her that I am married to a psycho who won’t divorce me.”  Wow!  Pain….Pain….Pain…. that hurt.  I lowered my voice, a rush of defeat coming over me.  “One day she will meet me and she will know that I am not a psycho.” “What makes you think I would ever introduce you?  Who says I will ever remarry.” The conversation tapered off.  My heart hurt as he…

I’m Not Just A Girl

I was happy to see him pull up to the house.  He had moved out a little over 2 weeks ago.  After 17 years of marriage, I missed him terribly.  I was nervous, I didn’t know what to expect, so unsure of myself anymore and where I stood with him.  My breathing was shallow…. I was afraid of making the wrong move….as if it could get worst.  He told me that he wanted to move back in, relief flooded into my empty heart, I took a deep breath and smiles.  Maybe everything would be okay. Relief flooded into my empty…

The Images Were Beautiful, I Don’t Look Like That

I had no idea what was in the box when we received it.  A package from his brother!  Weird, he was on a mission for his church, getting a package from a missionary was unusual.  Sending packages, now that would have been the norm.   I was curious to see what he would be sending us.  It had to be something cool….right?  For him to go to all the effort. Not what I expected I kneeled on the floor and leaned over the top of the box.  As my husband lifted the flaps, I did not predict what I saw. …

Part 4: My Sin, Working Through My Shame & Helping Others

Starting in the fall of 2007 until the summer of 2013 this sin-plagued me.  No matter how much I tried to put it behind me it kept resurfacing with a vengeance.   I thought that I had forgiven myself, but each time my husband used it against me to keep me quiet the same yucky feeling would wash over me and I would remember that I was bad and not good enough.  It took me down at the knees so many times.  I tried to leave it behind; my husband wouldn’t let me, I wouldn’t let me. Stupid, worthless, and bad!…