Path to the Heart

This world is full of broken hearts, during the course of your life you will have one or many.  It is unavoidable.  Either we put our hearts out into the world to be broken, or we seal them up behind walls of stone and they still break.  Each individual will experience heartbreak for various reasons that are distinct and individual.  What breaks one heart will not harm another the reasons are varied.  We do know that a break may be followed by intense feelings of loss and depression.  Some experience chest pain and stomach aches, while others overeat to numb…

Am I Beautiful?

Most of my life I have been on a quest to answer a question, AM I BEAUTIFUL? As a little girl, in about 5th grade I started to see other girls for the first time as my competition.  I quickly started to see the world in a different light.  Instead of being the carefree child I once was who didn’t care if my hair was brushed I started to wonder if boys could like me.  I paid close attention and noticed that they liked some of the girls a lot and others they didn’t seem to even notice.  What was…

Today I am Showing Up, and Tomorrow I am Going to Show Up

Every once and awhile out of blue I get a comment to this blog that is attacking in nature and mean-spirited.  Most times the author chooses to remain anonymous or pretend they are someone else. I always find it fascinating that they analyze every part of who they think I am, from what I sit down and write a few times a week. They have come up with projections about what my children think of me, and what my new husband thinks of me,  they have created a story that they believe to be true. I always smile because everyone…

She Became A Trigger, I Built A Wall

I saw her walk toward us.  She was so beautiful, but I had no idea who she was until he said, “Amy”, with admiration in his voice.  I looked up at him, his smile told a story and fear reached into me. “No, this can not be happening to me,” I thought.  I was having a hard time breathing, and my face was hot.  I was speechless and I wanted to burst into tears.  Was this “the Amy”?  The one that he always talked about from high school with longing in his voice.  The one that he adored? I looked…

If Only I Was Different

Sometimes I wake up in the morning and I wish that I was ‘Just Different’ I wish that I could always say the right things so that I wouldn’t hurt people.  I wish that all my suffering was gone and that triggers and trauma didn’t exist.  I wish that I could save my children from suffering.  I wish…I wish….I wish! With tears pouring down my face this morning I wish that life wasn’t so hard, and I wish that I loved all of my faults and imperfections.  I wish that 100% of the time I loved me. The truth….sometimes I…

You Are Worth It, Just The Way You Are!

“If only I was different.”  This is something that I used to tell myself over and over again.  I really believed that if I was just different than my husband would love me.  If I was different my life wouldn’t have turned out the way it did. Trying to become different When I was 25 years old I was determined to change.  I had been married for 6 years and I was tired of feeling cast aside and unimportant.  I went on a starvation diet, trying to eat 1000 calories or less a day.  I did change, in fact, I…

I am God’s Intentional Creation and So Are You

Every person that I have ever met has a deep-rooted desire to be accepted and loved, as is.  No changes necessary!  Without fail, many of us feel that may never happen.  Instead, we fall victim to the curse of comparison and struggle for our worthiness.  We may have had a mother or another caregiver that taught us comparison by plotting our bodies, talents, or smarts up against another person.  Their intent may have been good in an attempt to improve our self-esteem or to make us feel better after a stressful time in our lives.  Comparison is ALWAYS dangerous because…

What happens if I show you who I really am?

How can I show you who I really am when I don’t even know?  I have been hiding in the shadows for so long that I have lost myself.  I deeply want people to see me, but I am afraid.  What if they don’t like what they see? Sometime early in my life I was forced into the shadows of self-doubt, worthlessness, and fear.  My marriage to a sex addict pushed me farther into those shadows.  Shame and fear kept me there.  I was so worried that the broken, negative, ugly person that I was, well, I was unlovable and…