Glass and a Hike to Reconnect with My Maker

Years ago I believed that being angry with God was pretty purposeless.  Why would I yell at the one person that I truly believed could make things better?   My beliefs even went so far as to think that if I was angry at God he would likely punish me, and then I would surely forgo the things that I needed from him.   I would cry, I would plead, but I refused to get angry. My life had been unraveling for quite some time, but I had finally reached the point of no return.  The point where I knew things…

Creation of an Addict

How do you turn a newborn baby so innocent and perfect with infinite promise and hope for the future into twenty-eight-year-old abusive sex addict?  or a thirty-year-old-homeless-drunk?  or a forty-year-old woman who is so fearful of betrayal and abandonment that she struggles with attachment? You add Trauma! I remember when I was gently prompted by God, My Higher Power,  to go and see an EMDR therapist.   I had heard of trauma, mainly as a medical term used to discuss a severe blow to the head, or an deep abrasion.  When someone mentioned a trauma survivor I might think of someone…

Step 3: Trust

What?  You want me to trust?  Wow!  Hmmmm!  This is a tough one for me.  I can think of about two people in this whole world that I would trust anything with.  TWO! When I found this picture…it really spoke to me.  I get anxious looking at it.  I guess that is what happens when the person that was suppose to pull you up let go.  (Deep Breath) To say I have trust issues is a bit of an understatement.  Even the thought of trusting someone makes me feel anxious.  The people that I was supposed to trust, the people…

Can You Un-Break Me?

I kneeled beside my bed and I begged heavenly father to un-break me.  The tears pouring down my face came from deep inside of me….they came from my shattered soul.  I am tired of hurting.  I just want the pain to stop. I had exerted all of my physical energy.   No matter how hard I worked on demolishing my bathroom this past weekend, the devil was on my shoulder placing doubts in my head.  I lifted the sledge hammer and came down especially hard on the counter top.  Hoping the sound of the shattering tile would block out the…

If Only I Was Different

Sometimes I wake up in the morning and I wish that I was ‘Just Different’ I wish that I could always say the right things so that I wouldn’t hurt people.  I wish that all my suffering was gone and that triggers and trauma didn’t exist.  I wish that I could save my children from suffering.  I wish…I wish….I wish! With tears pouring down my face this morning I wish that life wasn’t so hard, and I wish that I loved all of my faults and imperfections.  I wish that 100% of the time I loved me. The truth….sometimes I…

Part 4: My Sin, Working Through My Shame & Helping Others

Starting in the fall of 2007 until the summer of 2013 this sin-plagued me.  No matter how much I tried to put it behind me it kept resurfacing with a vengeance.   I thought that I had forgiven myself, but each time my husband used it against me to keep me quiet the same yucky feeling would wash over me and I would remember that I was bad and not good enough.  It took me down at the knees so many times.  I tried to leave it behind; my husband wouldn’t let me, I wouldn’t let me. Stupid, worthless, and bad!…

What happens if I show you who I really am?

How can I show you who I really am when I don’t even know?  I have been hiding in the shadows for so long that I have lost myself.  I deeply want people to see me, but I am afraid.  What if they don’t like what they see? Sometime early in my life I was forced into the shadows of self-doubt, worthlessness, and fear.  My marriage to a sex addict pushed me farther into those shadows.  Shame and fear kept me there.  I was so worried that the broken, negative, ugly person that I was, well, I was unlovable and…

Am I worthy to receive God’s help?

Sometimes communicating with God is easy, and natural and it just happens.  Other times it is just the opposite and I find myself with little desire.  I drag my feet not really willing to pray or reach him. I know that I need his help! I know that this life was not meant to be conquered alone!  So how come sometimes I am slow to turn to him.  And even though I turn away I still know that when I need him he is right there. So how come sometimes I am slow to turn to him.  And even though…

JUST WHEN I THOUGHT LIFE WOULD GET EASY

I used to rock climb, hike, and backpack a lot.  Almost every weekend you would find me at The City of Rocks, or the Grand Tetons. I remember many times when I was nearing the top of a peak.  I would be so excited.  I was tired and ready for a break, water, and an energy snack.  The sights were amazing…being able to see everything on all sides of me for miles and miles.  Breathtaking! There was one thing that I didn’t like about climbing mountains and that was when we would run into a false summit.  Let me explain,…

A Message For The VICTIM: “Stay Silent and then we will accept you.”

STAY SILENT, and Invisible, “I don’t need to hear about the abuse you faced.  I haven’t read your blog, nor have I been tempted to!” This message came from a woman who loves me, or claims to love me. When I first got the message I have to admit I was a little shocked.  I have spent hours talking and laughing with her.  We have been silly together and talked about life’s hardships together.  I sat with my phone in my hands as tears fell into my lap.  I cried because I love her so much, and I recognized that…