God Will Provide the Way

I sat in my bed tears pouring down my face when I first heard of her death.  It is amazing how quickly the brain tries to protect itself from hard information.   I felt panic, but the first thing I did was check the news.  Just like that, I fell into denial.  This could not be happening.  When the news had no report next I went to Facebook.  (Don’t ask me why.  In desperation, I wanted to see a post saying that it didn’t happen, that she did not take her life.  I loved her so much. Did she know…

Fast Forward

Tears, many nights have soaked my pillow, Sleep, wanting to fall into it and never wake up. Pain, deep and dark enough to stop my heart. Crying, “God, please make it stop.” Thoughts, will I implode from this anxiety. Pleading, “Please change his heart.” Wishing, that this wasn’t my life. Hoping, that you hear me. Tears, thanking God for the opportunity to help others. Sleep, deep and nurturing, rejuvenates me Pain, still visits to remind me of where I have been. Crying, “Thank you God.” Thoughts, He is taking my suffering and making it good. Pleading. that he will show…

Will You Accept my Offering?

“Why can’t I do this right?” “What is it that you want from me?” “I try, I really try, will you accept my offering?” Lately, I have been plagued with feelings that I am not doing this right.  Wondering if what I have to offer is what God is looking for.  Each day he gently reminds me that my job is to keep writing, so I write. I wonder if sharing my darkness and trauma is what he wants from me, or should I just share the moments of light and hope?  He gently reminds me to just keep writing.…

You Bring Light….Just Like the Sun

Dark…..chilled……silent, the change of the seasons has stolen the birds song and all I can hear is the crunching of my shoes on the gravel as I walk towards the lake.  The cold air fills my lungs, shadows and silhouettes fill my view. Off in the distance the sun trying to peek above the mountains to bring about a new day. I am alone with nature.  Oh, the wonder.  I notice each tree, the magnificence of the Aspen and the Pine.  Both serving their unique purpose to the earth.  I pass a variety of plants and flowers, taking notice of…

People of Opinion, and People of Action

I was helping with the cub scouts yesterday when I saw a call come in from work.  I excused myself, I was expecting the call and knew the answers to the questions that would be asked.  My co-worker said, has anyone called you, I said, “Yes, I have been on the phone a bit this afternoon and know exactly what needs to be changed.  I can tell you and then you can get it in the mail.”  She said, “No, Norma…..Joe passed away a couple of hours ago.” What do you say when you lose an angel? I didn’t really…

Letting Go of the Life I Dreamed Of…Embracing the One I Have

I look back to days gone by, I look back to being a small girl with a dream…. Maybe it was a dream of castles and a prince that would come to my rescue.  Disney cartoons used to do that….the prince coming to rescue the damsel in distress.  At the same time….I knew that I was never pretty enough or skinny enough for the prince to really want me.  Funny how it didn’t take away the hope.  Hope that someone would come and love me so much that I would have my happily ever after. First Mistake The first mistake…

Part 4: My Sin, Working Through My Shame & Helping Others

Starting in the fall of 2007 until the summer of 2013 this sin-plagued me.  No matter how much I tried to put it behind me it kept resurfacing with a vengeance.   I thought that I had forgiven myself, but each time my husband used it against me to keep me quiet the same yucky feeling would wash over me and I would remember that I was bad and not good enough.  It took me down at the knees so many times.  I tried to leave it behind; my husband wouldn’t let me, I wouldn’t let me. Stupid, worthless, and bad!…

Angels Among Us

As a little girl, I believed that an Angel was a heavenly creature sent to us by God to help in times of need.  I had an image in my mind of a youthful person dressed all in white with wings and a halo. I believed that they existed, but never imagined that I would become friends with one.  That one would stand in my midst that I could touch with my own hands and be blessed by.  My definition of an angel expanded during my divorce and now has more meaning. Angel: A heavenly guardian, ministering spirit, or messenger.…

Forgotten on Mother’s Day

I was sure that this Mother’s Day was going to be different this year.  It started off different.  Jeff, my husband, had a gift ready for me Sunday morning.  My 3 boys had made gifts also.  The boys had requests for breakfast and Jeff told them it was my day off.  He asked my oldest to help him make breakfast for me. WOW!  I took a deep breath and felt a hundred pounds roll off my shoulders.  A day off?  I don’t get days off! My two younger sons were spoiling me.  One was giving me a hand massage, and…

GOD TOLD ME TO STAY

Why did I stay?  Well, I didn’t always.  I left once, during our first two years of marriage.  I moved out around August.  I was tired, tired of hurting all of the time.  Tired of feeling worthless and unimportant.  So after a big fight one night, I started packing all of my clothes, I called my parents and they came to get me. I didn’t just grab my stuff, I made a spectacle of it.  I wanted him to care for me.  I wanted him to love me.  I wanted him to stop me, but he didn’t.  It took my…