Glass and a Hike to Reconnect with My Maker

Years ago I believed that being angry with God was pretty purposeless.  Why would I yell at the one person that I truly believed could make things better?   My beliefs even went so far as to think that if I was angry at God he would likely punish me, and then I would surely forgo the things that I needed from him.   I would cry, I would plead, but I refused to get angry. My life had been unraveling for quite some time, but I had finally reached the point of no return.  The point where I knew things…

$200 Was More Important Than My Safety

I was driving about 40 mph down the freeway.  The visibility was low, the wind was angry and gusts hit the side of my little Topaz.  I was nervous I had both my hands steady on the wheel and had slowed down to match the conditions.  The roads were slick in areas and clear in others, drifting snow snuck up onto the freeway, as if it was reaching…it’s finger tips touching the white line.   There were moments where I could see 100 feet in front of me, and a gust would come and I could only see about 10.…

Step 1: Honesty

Honesty…. Honesty…. Honesty, it is something that we expect from ourselves and from others, but talk about painful.  It can be yucky to take a look at ourselves and our behaviors and the character flaws that keep us from becoming the person we want to be.   This year I decided that I really needed to take some time going back over the 12 steps.  I have been through all of the steps, but I feel a little stuck with my trauma and decided to focus on it this time as I work the steps. Step one Step one is all…

A Letter: To All The Women Who Had An Affair With My Husband

Dear ___________: When I first found out about you, my heart broke. Why would you sleep with my husband? Was it because of lies that he told you about me?  Did he play a victim?  What could he have possibly told you that made you forget that I was a person?  How did he change me from a real living, breathing, human being with feelings….. to an object?  An object that you cast aside, an object that you didn’t feel you should respect? A Glimpse of You I think of the many times that I wanted to go to your…

I Belong to a BROKEN Family

I knew they were going to come soon, but I wasn’t excited about getting the official papers.  I had taken my boys on a camp trip and knew that they would probably be there when I returned.  I found myself staying busy with all the unpacking and laundry, trying to avoid reality for one more moment.  Wanting to deny what was happening to me.  Dreading the moment when I would have to face my reality. Can’t avoid it The entire time I was trying to ignore it, a nagging feeling kept it at the fore-front of my mind.  The feelings…

I Had a Plan For Myself and God Disagreed

I have always been a go-getter. I had a plan for my life and I was determined to do it and do it well, but over and over again in my life God disagreed.  He has a different plan for me and most of the time I don’t like his plan.  I resist and make it difficult for him. Giving In I am finally starting to see that my life is not mine.  My life is God’s.  I have no idea what he is trying to mold me into, or how difficult I have been for him to form and…

Handling Disappointment Without Foreboding Joy

I am more than a little bit annoyed this morning.  This is not what I was planning on writing about, but sometimes I don’t find my topics, they find me.  The truth is that I am not always good at handling disappointment without wanting to just give up on excitement and start foreboding joy.  I hate the yucky feeling that disappointment brings.  It is a seeping feeling that can just drain all of the energy out of me. There are few things that are more frustrating or shaming to me than when I get an idea that brings me excitement…

The Day I Had to be Checked for an STD

My head is spinning and my chest hurts.  I don’t want to be here.  I can’t believe that I am here.  I for sure never saw this in my future.  I look around teh large office.  It is spacious, I want to nestle myself in a corner, to hide myself, but the lay-out doesn’t permit it.  The office is quiet, there are few others to fill up the space.  The smell of the antiseptic makes me ill as I wait. “I shouldn’t have to do this.” I tell myself. I am so unsettled, I don’t think there is any betrayal…

Why does it still hurt?

Yesterday I saw a picture on facebook of my ex-husband and his new wife.   They were smiling and looked really happy.  The post read something like this:  “Two years ago I met you and it was such a blessing.” The Ping of Pain I felt a ping in my heart and anger well up from my stomach and move into my throat.  Two years ago when they first met I was facing HELL.  My husband of 18 years had left me 6 weeks prior to their meeting and I was devastated.  I was moving in and out of the different…

Am I worthy to receive God’s help?

Sometimes communicating with God is easy, and natural and it just happens.  Other times it is just the opposite and I find myself with little desire.  I drag my feet not really willing to pray or reach him. I know that I need his help! I know that this life was not meant to be conquered alone!  So how come sometimes I am slow to turn to him.  And even though I turn away I still know that when I need him he is right there. So how come sometimes I am slow to turn to him.  And even though…