I kneeled beside my bed and I begged heavenly father to un-break me. The tears pouring down my face came from deep inside of me….they came from my shattered soul. I am tired of hurting. I just want the pain to stop.
I had exerted all of my physical energy. No matter how hard I worked on demolishing my bathroom this past weekend, the devil was on my shoulder placing doubts in my head. I lifted the sledge hammer and came down especially hard on the counter top. Hoping the sound of the shattering tile would block out the tormenting thoughts.
“What if he is not where you think he is?”
“You really have no idea what they are doing!”
With each thought came a pain to my heart.
“He is not like that,” I told myself over and over again.
“You didn’t think that your first husband was like that either.” the thought came….almost mocking me. It was telling me that I was stupid for trusting. “Look where it got you before.”
I continued working, trying to concentrate on the task at hand….pushing the thoughts away.
I filled the trailer with the remains of my demolished bathroom. I wish that the load was the baggage that I carry from my past. I wish that I could put it all in a trailer and haul it all to the dump and be rid of it forever.
Trauma: Re-living the past
What many people do not know about betrayal trauma is that the victim wants to be rid of their yucky past too. The victim wishes that it would just go away. Often times the victim even shames themselves for not being able to just “Get Over It.” People who don’t understand what they have been through may think that they are crazy. I have had people tell me that I need to “forget about the past and move forward or I will ruin my new marriage.” From various people I have heard just about every version of “Just Get Over It” that exists.
Victims of Betrayal Trauma can’t ‘Just Get Over It’ the betrayal has changed them forever. You can choose to be in their lives or choose not to be in their lives, but please stop shaming them. They can’t just change it.
How Trauma Works
When a person has faced betrayal over and over again for years, the trauma becomes a part of them. It changes how they think and act. Imagine a woman getting raped. Imagine that it was a single event, but the attack was horrific. She knows her attackers face well. Pretend the police are never able to find the attacker, but a week after it happens she is in a McDonalds and sees the attacker behind the counter.
How do you think she might respond?
FIGHT? FLIGHT? FREEZE?
The brains way of protecting itself……right!
The above is a single event, but leaves her brain with lasting damage. The general public can understand how this would effect her long term.
Just like in this circumstance above…..if you have a woman that is married to an addict, a similar problem occurs. The traumas are smaller, but happen over a span of years……10, maybe 20 years of abuse. Her brain will also respond by protecting her in the same manner…..
FIGHT? FLIGHT? FREEZE?
There will be patterns of abuse and her brain will respond to those patterns. People who don’t understand betrayal trauma will tell her to “just get over it.” SHE CAN”T…..the events that spanned much of her life are not things that she can just forget about.
What would it mean to be Un-broken
As someone who has faced 18+ years of betrayal trauma, please know that sometimes I want to be un-broken. I want it to all go away.
This weekend as my tired body slumped against my bed, I begged that God would take the pain away. After almost four days of reliving the past….and fighting horrible thoughts…..I was both physically and emotionally spent. The panic of my past had come back to visit. I plead with him to just let me be free from my past.
He said No!
Gently and lovingly I felt heavenly father tell me “No!”
I felt him say that the breaks….. they are meant to be there, and they are what make me beautiful.
The breaks are what allow me to be empathetic to those who are suffering. They are what make we want to write this blog, I don’t want others to be alone like I was.
The breaks make me who I am and he wants me to be exactly as I am.
I felt him ask me if I really wanted to be different. Guess what…..the answer is No. I don’t want to be different.
The load that I carry can at times be heavy and overwhelming, but it is the load that made me what I am today.
Your breaks and your load have made you into who you are. They make you more beautiful.
Looking at the amazing men and women that you are becoming…..would you take away all your breaks? Do you really want to be UN-Broken?