“A wounded woman in trauma is like a lion who has been backed in the corner. When she is triggered she will come out with all shes got to save herself.” ~Norma Zaugg rootstoholdme.com
It takes an amazing man to see a wounded woman and take her in and choose to love her. It will be one of the most difficult things that you do, but the rewards are great and they can be endless.
This post is for all you men out there that are married to women who have been deeply wounded by betrayal.
I think any woman who has lived through the betrayal of a spouse would tell you that we are a uniquely beautiful and amazing bunch. We have been deeply hurt by those that we were supposed to trust. Those that promised they would stand beside us for better or for worse. They promised to love and cherish us, and they didn’t. This post is not about those men that hurt us. This post is about the men who stand up and take in our wounded souls with open hearts. This is what we need from you.
We need you to show up, time and time again.
We didn’t start out leery of the intentions of people, but life has left us that way. We really believed that when we said, “I do” that we could count on the men of our pasts. Then a few, or a few hundred betrayals later, when we see that the motivation of those men was not to stand by us, we wonder…… Is your motivation pure? Will you show up when we need you? When we are no longer dolled up in our wedding dresses, and our pasts come to haunt us……will you stay around?
Unknowingly we are constantly checking to see if you will show up. We know it isn’t fair. We know that you didn’t do this to us, but sometimes things are blurry and we just can’t tell. Sometimes our fear makes us push you away.
I am ashamed to admit it, but my brain….sometimes it tells me that you won’t be there. Not if I show you the real messy, broken parts that are still so wounded. You didn’t want those parts. So as a coping mechanism…..to protect myself, I push you away. Sometimes I am afraid of you. You have the power to hurt me again and I have been so hurt.
When I am on my rollercoaster and I can’t tell which direction is up….I need you….I need you to be standing there by the exit waiting for me with open arms when I am able to get off.
We need you to….. never call us CRAZY!
The man in our life………before you, he made us feel crazy. The lies and the betrayal have already led us to doubt ourselves. The pieces of the puzzle never added up with him, but he was a master at twisting the story and making it our fault. If you can understand why a wild animal might attack when it feels afraid, understand why we might attack too. We are not crazy, we are deeply wounded. Please be patient with us.
We need you to be completely honest.
Lies….Lies….Lies…..we have been told more lies than we can count. In fact, we are sure that even though our past man is gone that we never got the whole story. We need you to be transparent with us and honest with us. Even when honesty hurts it is better than betrayal. Stand up and own what is yours, both the good and the bad. We will respect you for it.
Our fears may lead us to push you away, but please don’t withdraw. Give us space and give us time, but don’t leave. We have already been abandoned. It is our deepest fear that you will leave too. When we are emotional and sharing our real selves with you, that is when we need you the most. When our trauma attacks we are using all of our energy to survive ……be close by. Let us fight our battle and be there ready to hold your hand out in case we need to tag you into the match.
For many of us being single would be easy. It is attachment that scares us, some days we will want to run. Each and every day that we choose to stay is a battle that has been won. Love us even if today we have nothing to give back. Many of us have been fighting…non-stop and we are tired.
The gifts from the uniquely beautiful, amazing bunch
The award goes to…….. you!
If you can be patient and you can help us work through the pain from our past the rewards will be marvelous. Our hearts have been broken, but each break allowed us to love more deeply than before. All of that love can be yours in time. Your sacrifices do not go unnoticed, in fact, they are building blocks and foundation stones that will allow us to be free from the pain betrayal has left us with. The job will not be easy, but I can promise you that with each trigger that your love and kindness helps us work through, we will come back at you ten fold with more gratitude and love and appreciation that you will know what to do with.