Betrayal doesn’t make sick women.

Sick women are the ones who are betrayed.

An unspoken lie in our society.

This is an unspoken lie that many women fall victim to.  Unspoken lies have a significant impact on society, specifically women, and children.  It’s time to uncover and take a look at this lie.

In this article the definition that I want to use for the word sick is….

One who is suffering from serious problems, isolated, fearful, not oneself.

Our culture doesn’t come out and say this directly, however, it is no secret that this is the lens that many people are looking through.  It seems like our families and our communities are facing an irresponsibility crisis.  Many men excuse abusive, manipulative and narcissistic behavior directed towards their wives or significant others, while other people, both women and men play into the lies and excuses given for this betrayal.

When was the last time you watched the news or day time television and heard the phrase, “She is crazy?”  Women are suffering at the hands of abusive men and instead of looking at the history that would clearly show the abuse we label her as crazy.

In my past, I have done this?

Have you?

I am in no way suggesting that at times the tables are turned and the woman is the abuser, however, three decades worth of research which involved almost half a million participants found that statistically, men score higher on personality tests indicating narcissism.  This is a serious problem that our nation needs to stop scooting under the rug.

If you can relate to the scenario below, it would be beneficial to seek help:

  • Family Friend:  “We used to know her, or we thought we did, our families were friends.  Look at her, she is such a mess, did she seriously just yell at her child?  She avoided eye contact, the rumors must be true.  No need to reach out,  we have heard her story.  How can someone who seemed so sweet be so abusive to her husband?  She is unreasonable and yells at him daily.  She makes threats, he’s so kind how did he get wrapped up with a crazy lady?  He sends us messages now, he is afraid that she will lie and tell people that he is abusive.  What is wrong with her?”
  • Woman: ” Oh, no, there she is, what has he told her?  I did yell at him the other day, I deposited my check and went to buy groceries to feed our children, I was humiliated when time after time my card was declined.  How could it be declined?  I just made a large deposit.  I was panicked, leaving my basket where it was, I apologized the the clerk.  I grabbed my sons arm and walked out of the grocery store with my head down. Please nobody see me, I said over and over in my head. I want to disappear, I have to get out of here.”
  • Husband:  “She thinks she can tell me what to do?  She is so controlling.  I’ll show her, I’ll make sure all of our friends know about her.  She is so messed up, she is crazy.  They have to hear the story so they will know why it is impossible for this marriage to work.  She got mad over the account, what is the big deal?  I just paid a few hundered dollars and took my friends golfing.  She is so controlling. She is a freak.”

….. And the narcissist husband goes free.  He has played the victim well, leaving out key parts of the puzzle to confuse those looking on.

The abuse has taken its toll.   She is not playing the victim she is the victim.  He slowly tears apart her identity until she is a shell.  She is facing an identity crisis, as the abuse sets in.  Other will see a slow decline of her personal functioning, her family will begin to see her as isolated and detached.  Others begin to judge,  to often seeing her as the source of the problem.

There are women like this in every town across the nation.  Instead of seeing these women as wounded from the abuse, we listen to the rumors and lies and ignore the real story.  We don’t take the time to look deeper, instead, society blames the abused with statements like, “She is so messed up.” and “She is crazy.”

Judgments are passed stating that the women entered the relationship damaged and that is why she is being betrayed.  Rather than realizing her change in behavior is directly linked to being betrayed.

World…. open your eyes, THE BETRAYAL COMES FIRST.

Betrayal and abuse can take a calm, patient, loving woman and change her into a lion that is fighting for her very survival.  She will become cornered, and she will turn around and fight, her increase arousal and fear will make her behave in ways that are not true to who she is.  Just like any creature when cornered, the brain will resport back to more primitive thinking and the woman will fight back to save herself.

This response has nothing to do with her being crazy,  Her response is called trauma.  Denial of the consequences of trauma can wreck havoc on society and families.  It is time to open our eyes.  It is time to speak the lie, bring it into the light, and help these women.