Blown About Like The Sand in a Breeze

Trauma came and swept me off my feet, unexpectedly I was falling…falling.  That’s how it works, it provides no notice.   I was blindsided.  In slow motion…unable to catch myself.  Dropping slowly through time and as parts of me landed, I was scattered into tiny particles of sand.   I was no longer myself, moved about and blown this way and that way by the smallest breeze. I wanted to gather myself together, but how do you gather so many pieces when they are floating away in all different directions. I wanted be whole again.  THEN REALITY HIT.  I might never…

Unspoken Rules

Does your family have any unspoken rules, also referred to as implicit rules?   I know, sometimes it is hard to answer that question because the rules themselves hide in the shadows.  We can think of the spoken rules that our parents had, maybe a curfew time of midnight, or the rule of having the chores done before dad got home from work.  Unspoken rules are different, they have never been talked about or explained yet there is an expectation that you will follow them.  Often times when they are not followed there are harsh consequences.  This is very confusing to…

Satan’s Lies

Midnight had long since passed.  I sat on the floor my legs curled up in front of me.  So tired, and yet unable to sleep.  The silence of the night making me nervous, the tick of the clock in the distance keeping time for the unknown.  I had no idea where he was, what he was doing, or when he would be home.  I was confused, not knowing whether to be nervous or mad yet feeling both emotions strongly.  He was out drinking with his friends again.  I was home alone, I was afraid of being alone and he didn’t…

You Hold the Key & the Magic, to Your Healing

1 Corinthians 10:13 There hath no temptation taken you but such as is common to man: but God is faithful, who will not suffer you to be tempted above that ye are able; but will with the temptation also make a way to escape, that ye may be able to bear it. I can’t tell you the number of times I have looked at this scripture and wondered if it applied to me.  In 2013 when life flipped upside down I was stretched farther than I had the strength to bear.  I would fall to my knees begging and pleading…

Powerless, Lost, Broken…. then a tiny spark

Have you ever been in a situation where you felt stuck?  Paralysed?  Unable to move forward or backward?  Fear finding its way deep inside of you. For years after my sin my husband held power over me, 10 years to be exact.  A power that made me feel so petrified that I stayed far longer than I should have.  The fear of everyone knowing kept me quiet, frozen, and determined.  Determined to serve him to make a penitence for what I had done. Powerlessness consumed me…. until somewhere deep inside of me I would become angry for his treatment.  A…

Learning to Live in the Present

It is peaceful here,  I can hear the birds singing their morning song.  A robin sits on the highest point, looking back and forth in all directions, it must have quite the view. The trees are mostly bare, their skeletons brush against the cloudy sky.  I am surrounded by nature and feel peace as I sit here in the moment. I stare past what is right in front of me and I see snow capped mountains.  They seem so small and yet I know that there is an entire world that lives and breathes right there on that mountain. I…

Betrayal Doesn’t Makes Women Sick, Sick Women are the Ones Who are Betrayed.

Betrayal doesn’t make sick women. Sick women are the ones who are betrayed. An unspoken lie in our society. This is an unspoken lie that many women fall victim to.  Unspoken lies have a significant impact on society, specifically women, and children.  It’s time to uncover and take a look at this lie. In this article the definition that I want to use for the word sick is…. One who is suffering from serious problems, isolated, fearful, not oneself. Our culture doesn’t come out and say this directly, however, it is no secret that this is the lens that many…

Do You Have Trauma?

“He did this to me.”  Even saying those words sucks the air out of the room.  My breathing becomes labored and my heart rate increases.  Sometimes I think back on the memories and I have to ask myself, “Did that really happen to me?”   It seems so unreal.  I can push the horrible memories away so that I can function.  I can hold down a successful career, I can take care of my children.  The days can run fairly normal despite the traumatic history. But Why? The human mind is resilient and powerful.  It has an amazing way of protecting…

The Memories Are Engraved Into My Mind

He sits on the edge of our bed, “She was more beautiful than you are.” My heart sinks! He stands above me pointing at my head as I kneel at the foot of our son, “Leave them here.” I feel fear! He laughs with his friends until I approach, then they all fall silent, “We weren’t talking about anything.”  Their smiles and laughs mock me! He looks me in the eye and makes a promise, “We didn’t go to strippers in Vegas.” I believe him and feel relief! TRUTH…. LIES…..I can’t tell anymore it is all blurry. The memories return…

$200 Was More Important Than My Safety

I was driving about 40 mph down the freeway.  The visibility was low, the wind was angry and gusts hit the side of my little Topaz.  I was nervous I had both my hands steady on the wheel and had slowed down to match the conditions.  The roads were slick in areas and clear in others, drifting snow snuck up onto the freeway, as if it was reaching…it’s finger tips touching the white line.   There were moments where I could see 100 feet in front of me, and a gust would come and I could only see about 10.…