My hands they won’t stop shaking, the colors around me dim as darkness begins to settle. It is stifling and thick, hard to breathe. My stomach is queasy, thoughts tangled, tongue-tied. My body shuts down and my senses go numb.
My next level of awareness comes as I am laying on the floor in my living room weeping. I’m not sure how I got here. My spirit wills me to get up, just to find out it has been two days.
This is where I found myself at the beginning of 2014. My life as I had known it was gone. My hopes and dreams shattered, heart broken, I had been reduced to nothing but soul.
How did I get here? I didn’t choose this path. This was not my happily ever after. I was raised in a small farming community in Idaho. I grew up in a part member family. My mother is LDS and my father is Catholic. As a little girl I wanted more than anything to grow up and get married. I wanted to be loved, I wanted to be the princess of a beautiful story.In 1994 I went off to college to find my prince. I found him, he spoiled me and gave me the attention that I longed for. On June 16, 1995, we were married. It was a beautiful day, the beginning of what I beleived would be a beautiful story.It didn’t take me long to see that He didn’t believe the way I did. He was not always kind, and I struggled to understand. At some time between 18 months and 2 years he quit going to church. It wasn’t long after that when he came home late at night drunk. His weekends out at the bars drinking with friends increased. He was disconnected and not concerned about my feelings. I think it was around August of 1997 that I couldn’t handle it anymore and I called my parents. They drove to my house really late at night to pick me up. I remember packing my belongings and my husband just sitting there looking at me like it was not big deal. It took my parents 2 hours to arrive and not once did he come out to talk to me.We were separated for 2 months when I felt strongly like I needed to move back in with him. It wasn’t until a couple months later that he actually let me. Our marriage was mostly rocky, but I was determined to make it work. I started doing all kinds of activities with him trying to build our relationship. We started rock climbing and hiking. Things improved some what, but he continued his drinking with friends. It broke my heart, and I always felt his disconnection. In 2004 at the age of 28 I got pregnant with my first little boy, followed by another in 2007, and another in 2011. Each one proved to be an amazing blessing, but my husbands behavior had escalated over the years. On top of drinking he was now taking yearly trips to Vegas. He grew more and more disconnected and he blamed me for everything that went wrong.I never felt good enough with him. He didn’t celebrate any special occasions with me, did not say sorry of he hurt me. I rarely felt affection from him. I suffered in silence, very few people really knew what was going on. I remember many times where I would ask him for a hug and he would tell me to go and hug the kids. Ouch! It hurt. I felt like I was a germ, I didn’t understand why he didn’t care about me. At this point I had been in a rat race for 16 years. I just tried harder to be better. I was sure that if I was a better wife, mother, friend, then he would love me. I read self help book obsessively. I knew that I could be better, that he would love me one day.
Now, returning to that dark day: Somehow that April day in 2014, I got up. The darkness had been surrounding me and I knew bitterness and hate for the first time in my life. The moment came where I had to choose. I had to choose if I was going to let the darkness take over, or if I was going to get up and notice the blessings. I know without a doubt that I didn’t save myself that day. My savior gave me the will and the desire to move forward. If you asked me how I came out of the darkness, I would tell you that I don’t know. What I do know is that God gave me gifts before I came to earth that enabled me to survive that day and the trying months that followed.
At the time of my divorce, I had been married 19 years. I lost a man that I dearly loved. That I would have gone to hell and back with if he would have kept trying. My heart broke when he gave up. My heart broke when I found out about the lies and infidelity that occurred during my marriage. My heart broke at my divorce and broke again at his excommunication. My heart broke when I filed for my temple divorce.
My heart had been shattered many times during my marriage, but never as completely as it was in 2014. I feared that it had been shattered so many times that pieces of it were gone, lost forever. I have since put the pieces I have back together. I have remarried and my dear husband has found pieces that I never thought I would see again and he has brought them back to me. Some parts are still lost. I pray that one day I won’t feel broken anymore. I pray that one day I will be whole.
More than anything I pray that it was not all in vain. I faced my worst fears and somehow came out on the other side. Now I want to share my journey to healing. I want to share my story and tools that I used to learn, grow, and heal.