Fighting Through Triggers

I knew the date to sign up was quickly approaching.  As it neared I wondered each day if I could do it.  Could I fight through the triggers of my past in order to put in the hours I would need to train?  I went back and forth.  Worried that if I didn’t sign up I would have to admit that the triggers of my past still have a HUGE hold on me, and worried that if I did sign up I might be wasting $100, and finances are tight. As the new year hit, I knew that I needed…

Never Ending Opportunities for Comparing

For the past two and a half weeks I get up early and I head out to exercise.  I wish I could say that I have such a love for it that I was doing this because I wanted to, but that would be a lie.  I set a goal for myself to finish another triathlon and the date is quickly approaching.  So I get up and I head out early to check it off for the day.  I found a good training guide and I am attempting to follow it. There is one problem I really have no guage…

Zig Zag Down the Trail

It had been raining all morning.  I had planned a Mt. bike ride with my son, but knowing that the trails would be muddy set me on a different course.  Swimming didn’t sound fun in the rain, then my husband reminded me that I could go to the gym to get my workout in.  Can I just say that I hate the gym for multiple reasons.  Running or biking in place bores me to death, and the air, don’t get me even started on the thick stifling air.  On top of all of that gyms are so triggering for me…

Glass and a Hike to Reconnect with My Maker

Years ago I believed that being angry with God was pretty purposeless.  Why would I yell at the one person that I truly believed could make things better?   My beliefs even went so far as to think that if I was angry at God he would likely punish me, and then I would surely forgo the things that I needed from him.   I would cry, I would plead, but I refused to get angry. My life had been unraveling for quite some time, but I had finally reached the point of no return.  The point where I knew things…

Letter to FEAR, Sealing My Words

Letter to Fear DEAR FEAR: This past month I have been blinded and afraid to write because of you.  I have been afraid of judgment.  I have wondered if the words I have spoken here will be used against me when it comes to future jobs to my future life.  You did exactly as you were always meant to do….you froze me in time and I quit writing.  I sealed my words up inside of me, I even considered taking down this blog and hoping that all the writings I had sent in for publishing would somehow be lost.  Look…

Blown About Like The Sand in a Breeze

Trauma came and swept me off my feet, unexpectedly I was falling…falling.  That’s how it works, it provides no notice.   I was blindsided.  In slow motion…unable to catch myself.  Dropping slowly through time and as parts of me landed, I was scattered into tiny particles of sand.   I was no longer myself, moved about and blown this way and that way by the smallest breeze. I wanted to gather myself together, but how do you gather so many pieces when they are floating away in all different directions. I wanted be whole again.  THEN REALITY HIT.  I might never…

Unspoken Rules

Does your family have any unspoken rules, also referred to as implicit rules?   I know, sometimes it is hard to answer that question because the rules themselves hide in the shadows.  We can think of the spoken rules that our parents had, maybe a curfew time of midnight, or the rule of having the chores done before dad got home from work.  Unspoken rules are different, they have never been talked about or explained yet there is an expectation that you will follow them.  Often times when they are not followed there are harsh consequences.  This is very confusing to…

Satan’s Lies

Midnight had long since passed.  I sat on the floor my legs curled up in front of me.  So tired, and yet unable to sleep.  The silence of the night making me nervous, the tick of the clock in the distance keeping time for the unknown.  I had no idea where he was, what he was doing, or when he would be home.  I was confused, not knowing whether to be nervous or mad yet feeling both emotions strongly.  He was out drinking with his friends again.  I was home alone, I was afraid of being alone and he didn’t…

You Hold the Key & the Magic, to Your Healing

1 Corinthians 10:13 There hath no temptation taken you but such as is common to man: but God is faithful, who will not suffer you to be tempted above that ye are able; but will with the temptation also make a way to escape, that ye may be able to bear it. I can’t tell you the number of times I have looked at this scripture and wondered if it applied to me.  In 2013 when life flipped upside down I was stretched farther than I had the strength to bear.  I would fall to my knees begging and pleading…

Powerless, Lost, Broken…. then a tiny spark

Have you ever been in a situation where you felt stuck?  Paralysed?  Unable to move forward or backward?  Fear finding its way deep inside of you. For years after my sin my husband held power over me, 10 years to be exact.  A power that made me feel so petrified that I stayed far longer than I should have.  The fear of everyone knowing kept me quiet, frozen, and determined.  Determined to serve him to make a penitence for what I had done. Powerlessness consumed me…. until somewhere deep inside of me I would become angry for his treatment.  A…