Why Doesn’t She Just Leave?

“She stays with an abuser,” said of the voice on the other end of the line.   As if her worth, or her ability to care about others and love people was associated with her situation. It is easy to place judgement and to believe that the person in an abusive situation is somehow incapable, or stupid for staying where they are at.  How many times have you heard or maybe even said, “Why doesn’t she just leave?” It is almost impossible for others to understand why a person would stay.  It would be foolish for me to say that I…

Stolen the Heart from Inside you

I sat up in bed, my hair frizzy, my back hurting.  I leaned forward to stretch and listened for the sound of my little boys.  Just to remember that they are with their dad for fall break.  I reached over and grabbed my phone.  A text message from a friend, I smiled excited to find out what she was messaging about.  I clicked on the button and the smile quickly turned into confusion.  Tears filled my eyes….  A dear friend…dead.  What?  My brain became a little foggy and almost immediately it went into denial.  My first thought, this is a…

Path to the Heart

This world is full of broken hearts, during the course of your life you will have one or many.  It is unavoidable.  Either we put our hearts out into the world to be broken, or we seal them up behind walls of stone and they still break.  Each individual will experience heartbreak for various reasons that are distinct and individual.  What breaks one heart will not harm another the reasons are varied.  We do know that a break may be followed by intense feelings of loss and depression.  Some experience chest pain and stomach aches, while others overeat to numb…

Do you ever feel like you are drowning?

I can’t feel the bottom, I have no idea how deep the water is.  My chest constricts making it difficult to breathe.  I flip over on my back and reach my lips towards the sky above me to get more air.  I feel like I am suffocating.  I talk to myself, “you are okay!”  “You have enough air, float for a minute, catch your breath”.  The water is dirty and has a distinct smell of fish, I begin to realize that I have no idea what is in the water with me. “Stop thinking, I tell myself…just breathe, relax, focus.”…

Fighting Through Triggers

I knew the date to sign up was quickly approaching.  As it neared I wondered each day if I could do it.  Could I fight through the triggers of my past in order to put in the hours I would need to train?  I went back and forth.  Worried that if I didn’t sign up I would have to admit that the triggers of my past still have a HUGE hold on me, and worried that if I did sign up I might be wasting $100, and finances are tight. As the new year hit, I knew that I needed…

Never Ending Opportunities for Comparing

For the past two and a half weeks I get up early and I head out to exercise.  I wish I could say that I have such a love for it that I was doing this because I wanted to, but that would be a lie.  I set a goal for myself to finish another triathlon and the date is quickly approaching.  So I get up and I head out early to check it off for the day.  I found a good training guide and I am attempting to follow it. There is one problem I really have no guage…

Zig Zag Down the Trail

It had been raining all morning.  I had planned a Mt. bike ride with my son, but knowing that the trails would be muddy set me on a different course.  Swimming didn’t sound fun in the rain, then my husband reminded me that I could go to the gym to get my workout in.  Can I just say that I hate the gym for multiple reasons.  Running or biking in place bores me to death, and the air, don’t get me even started on the thick stifling air.  On top of all of that gyms are so triggering for me…

Glass and a Hike to Reconnect with My Maker

Years ago I believed that being angry with God was pretty purposeless.  Why would I yell at the one person that I truly believed could make things better?   My beliefs even went so far as to think that if I was angry at God he would likely punish me, and then I would surely forgo the things that I needed from him.   I would cry, I would plead, but I refused to get angry. My life had been unraveling for quite some time, but I had finally reached the point of no return.  The point where I knew things…

Letter to FEAR, Sealing My Words

Letter to Fear DEAR FEAR: This past month I have been blinded and afraid to write because of you.  I have been afraid of judgment.  I have wondered if the words I have spoken here will be used against me when it comes to future jobs to my future life.  You did exactly as you were always meant to do….you froze me in time and I quit writing.  I sealed my words up inside of me, I even considered taking down this blog and hoping that all the writings I had sent in for publishing would somehow be lost.  Look…

Blown About Like The Sand in a Breeze

Trauma came and swept me off my feet, unexpectedly I was falling…falling.  That’s how it works, it provides no notice.   I was blindsided.  In slow motion…unable to catch myself.  Dropping slowly through time and as parts of me landed, I was scattered into tiny particles of sand.   I was no longer myself, moved about and blown this way and that way by the smallest breeze. I wanted to gather myself together, but how do you gather so many pieces when they are floating away in all different directions. I wanted be whole again.  THEN REALITY HIT.  I might never…